Husband lied about being a doctor for years

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Husband lied about being a doctor for years was created by Anonymous

Summary: Eight months ago my husband finally admitted to me that he been lying to me for the past 10 years. Up until 8 months ago he was a “doctor” (I will type his lies in quotation marks) until I cornered him into admitting he wasn’t. Then, 2 months ago, to make the situation worse, I again cornered him into admitting he didn’t even graduate with his bachelors degree.

The full story:
I’ve known my husband 13 years, since we started dating in high school, and we’ve been married for 3 and ½ years. I recall having suspicions while in college that he wasn’t really in school (he went to a different college than I did). I would ask him about it and it would always end up with me feeling guilty for having doubted him. We would study together (looking back he would just buy textbooks for classes he was “taking” so that I would think he was in college). After college I went on to get my masters degree and he went on to “medical school.” He explained that he was in an MD/PhD program and it would therefore take him 7 years rather than the standard 4 years. After he completed his medial training we moved to another state where he “began working as a resident at a hospital.” In reality, as he later admitted to me, he was spending the whole day at a local library. The day he admitted to me that he wasn’t a doctor, he told me “medical school had been difficult and he dropped out when he began his hospital rotations, during which he had actual patient interactions.”

Two months ago I still felt that he was lying to me and he admitted that he never completed his bachelor degree, much less attended medical school. I am so hurt that even after he promised me he wasn’t lying anymore (8 months ago) he was actually still lying.

I’m upset that he hasn’t had a real job in all this time. He unsuccessfully attempted to sell real estate for about 10 months about 3 years ago, saying it was a way to make money while he was in medical school. Eight months ago after he admitted he wasn’t a doctor he got a warehouse job for about 3 months.

He is supposed to start school in August to become a registered nurse (2 year program) and says he will show me his report cards, give me his password to his student account so I can monitor his progress. The thought of this makes me feel like his mother…not his wife.

I can’t believe that this has happened. I still can’t believe that he allowed us to get married, buy a house (which was under my name only since his credit is so completely screwed up), move to another state away from our families, lied to me for 10 years, and what I fell like—waste 12 years of my life with a loser like him. At the same time I feel guilty, like it was my fault for never really cornering him and catching him on his lies. I’ve told him I don’t trust him and he tells me he doesn’t trust me—because he thinks I’ll leave him any minute. I feel he has no right to not trust me—I’ve never lied to him! I can’t talk to anyone in my family because I’m so embarrassed that this situation is what it is. Everyone—family, friends, co-workers of mine—think he is a doctor. I’m so embarrassed of what he has done and how stupid I think I’ll look that I continue his lies when people ask how his work as a doctor is going. I really hate that I have to lie because of his lies.

I think he’s been using me all these years, I’ve supported him since I’ve had a full-time job since out of college. He says he wasn’t using me. He says he just let the lies spin out of control and the hole he dug was so deep he couldn’t get out of it.

I couldn’t find other stories of lies like this on this forum and I fell like I’m so completely alone. I feel disrespected, used, stupid. I need to know if anyone else has dealt with something like this…I need to know what others have done…I don’t know if I should leave him…I don’t know if I can ever forgive him.
8 years 11 months ago #39514

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Replied by ted.daniels on topic Husband lied about being a doctor for years

Hey,
Being lied to is never easy as, like you rightly say, it causes you to lose trust in a person. The fact that this guy did this for 10 years is quite shocking. When I first read this I could understand why a guy may lie about going to the same school, he may have met you somewhere and really liked or even loved you, he pretended to go to your school to be close to you. Imagine you were married to a guy who has never lied and he told you one day that he never went to your school he just fell in love with you once and wanted to get close to you, you could say it was a sweet thing to do, because here you are married, well done husband.

However, I read on, there are 2 sides to this which only you can choose as he's the man you know and must have loved at one point, you may still love him.
1) 10 years pretending to have a job and what not is very harsh, if you don't mind me saying, he doesn't sound very supportive, he goes 10 years without a job (and what seems to be no real income) leaving it all for you, like you say the house is in your name. During college you say you asked him if he went there and he was upset you doubted him, this isn't particularly normal, if a man loves a woman and isn't lying he wouldn't dismiss this as 'why are you doubting me', the same goes for "I’ve told him I don’t trust him and he tells me he doesn’t trust me—because he thinks I’ll leave him any minute." These are cowardly ways of avoiding the truth coming up, a supportive husband wouldn't want to think he was doubted but he wouldn't for one moment dismiss it in such a manner, he is in the wrong here and he should face up to this.

2) You have to ask why he did this, like he says the lies got out of control and he dug too big of a hole, like I said he could have lied about college to get close to you. Perhaps he did start medical school and that seemed too much pressure so he quit, realising his failure he couldn't let you down, he then pretended to carry on and realised his lies were out of control, he really should have told you sooner but for whatever reason he felt he couldn't. You say he is training to become a nurse and has given you his password etc so you know, he sounds like he is trying to write his wrongs, you shouldn't see yourself as his mother but that this guy is trying. Think of this: he failed in medic school and didn't want to let you down, he lied (granted for a long time) so he didn't disappoint you because after all he loves you, that's why he married you, now you discovered his secret he need not lie, he can start again fresh, he can get a job, guilt free in the knowledge that you are supportive,

Hope you understand my points, he's either a liar or a supportive husband who didn't want to disappoint. Sit down with him and find out why he lied, ask if he really does love you. His reasoning will make all this clearer for you.

Teddy.
8 years 11 months ago #39551

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Replied by sunnybrook1952 on topic Husband lied about being a doctor for years

I guess my response to this situation is this: Do you really think that you will ever be able to trust this man with anything? My intuition tells me that you will not. I can't imagine the anxiety that you must feel ANYTIME you are around family or friends, and quite frankly, YOU CANNOT KEEP UP THIS FACADE. You sound like a very responsible, caring woman who has been conned in the most embarassing way.

I know that love can work wonders, but honestly, if you want to save this marriage, the only way out of this one is some planning and thought...

1. Get help immediately from a professional that deals with compulsive lying, and marriage counseling

2. Everyone must come clean with the truth, he with you and the two of you with family and friends.

I do so feel sorry for you, and can sense the pain and humiliation you have. One thing though, you cannot take on his shame, either with family or co-workers. The best way to handle something so embarassing is to face it head on with your head held high. In reading your post, I strongly suspect that what he has done is irrepairable for you, and if that is the case, I can't say as I blame you. Life is too short to waste another minute on this guy if you have any suspicions that he is not 100% resloved in fixing his problem.

Best of luck to you, and for goodness sake, don't carry this facade another minute...nip it and him in the bud.

Sunny
8 years 11 months ago #39562

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Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic Husband lied about being a doctor for years

He's been using you as a meal ticket. How could you not have know he didn't have any income when he was claiming to be a resident? He's been playing you from the beginning, when he turned the tables on you and made you feel guilty any time you asked him about things. Your whole relationship has been based on lies from the very beginning. It's a wonder he got away with things this long!

He claims the lies just spiraled out of control. What he needs to do is GET A JOB. I know it's radical, but he needs to start paying his share of the house, the bills, etc. Either get a job or get serious about finishing school. And I do mean serious. He needs to show you his report cards, show you his assignments, etc. And not drag his heels for years "getting his degree". He needs to work at least part time and pay for his own degree. Don't you dare pay for it, even if he completes it. He needs to finally be a man and pay his way in life.

The fact remains that he did lie to you from day 1. You still need to decide for yourself whether you can ever trust him again. As for your family, are they the supportive type? It may be embarrassing to admit what happened, but what's the alternative? Living with and supporting a liar? Hopefully your family will give you love and support.
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
8 years 11 months ago #39610

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Replied by Akemi on topic Husband lied about being a doctor for years

Thanks all for the replies. I'm the OP, guess I hadn't yet activated my account when I made the post.

He says he still loves me. I'm not sure I still love him...I'm not sure if I can fully love him after knowing all he's done. I'm really confused right now. I don't know if I should stay or leave him.

I've reached out to a friend from college and am hoping we can meet up to talk. I haven't told anyone about his lies as he has asked me not too, but I'm going to confide in her. The thing is that he wants to go to nursing school and become a nurse but won't agree to telling friends/family the truth. I don't know that I can live the rest of my life with him continuing to lie to everyone. I've told him repeatedly that I hate lying and he is forcing me to do so but not coming clean to everyone.

I feel like I might be wasting my time, my life, staying with him. But, I'm scared. He was my first everything (kiss, etc.) and I'm afraid I have flaws that no other man would accept. My husband is great in every other way beside the lying and not working. He's says I'm beautiful, smart, etc. We have a good time together. But, I feel like the lying and not working are big enough to be deal breakers. The single friends I have always seem to have a hard time find decent men. I need to figure out if my husband is half-way decent at this point and if that's worth working on. But, I don't know if I can ever trust him again without watching and checking on everything he does. I mean I'm obviously not that type of person for this situation to have gotten so far...
8 years 11 months ago #39618

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Replied by sunnybrook1952 on topic Husband lied about being a doctor for years

You can't possibly go through the rest of your life telling people he is a Dr when in fact he is a nothing. That is insane, and for you to say he is forcing you to lie is also insane. You cannot be forced to do something you don't want to do. Put an end to this today and come clean. Let the chips fall and see what happens...who knows maybe he will do something with his worthless life then and come back to you a changed and whole man ready to be for real. My suspicions are that you don't love this monster after all, and you said it...just afraid of finding another. If you never found another man, don't settle for a broken one. You are worth much more than that, and there is someone out there for you.

Sunny
8 years 11 months ago #39622

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