Cheater's Paradox

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Cheater's Paradox was created by Pops

Cheater's Paradox: You are convinced that your other is cheating on you. Your other will only come clean as far as the evidence reveals.


If you have no evidence, you can do anything you want until you are blue in the face, no amount of confrontation (possibly barring psychosis) will make them say, "Well since you asked so nice, Yes, I am cheating on you." or "If I tell you the truth will you stop asking already?!" The answer will always be, "No, and I am offended that you would even think that" (or some variation thereof. Which is why so many posts tell you not to confront them until you have evidence. After that initial conversation, the walls go up and smoke and mirrors become more plentiful with each unsupported inquiry.

Let's say you get a little info that you may call evidence: Some phone records or a lunch/coffee date. Well, what does Cheater's Paradox say? "You caught me talking to someone? He/she is just a friend."

Let's say you come across e-mails or texts saying some pretty funky stuff. "You read some of my e-mails? They were just joking/psycho/trying to get me into hot water (fill in the blank)." or "You read e-mails that I wrote? We were just joking around, being stupid"

Let's say you walk in on your wife watching porn and getting a back-massage from her male co-worker while in her pyjamas and you weren't suppose to be home that night. "That's all you saw? Nothing happened and nothing was going to happen." (Scenario taken from my own happy story)

Let's say you manage to come across the BIG ONE. "It didn't mean anything. It was only the one time." Why? Because Cheater's Paradox says that you only know about the one time so that is all that exists.

Anybody else want to add their own favorite/least favorite Cheater's Paradox, I would like to know.

What's the point? The point is that at some stage you come to a realization that they are being dishonest/deceptive and you can't live with that breech of trust? I didn't have to find out whether it was all true or gather all the evidence for me to say, "I can't trust this person enough to make this work." Find your stage and let go if you are past it.

Without Cheater's Paradox we would get responses like:

"You saw me flirting with your best friend? Oh, that's because I'm having sex with her 4 or 5 times a week."

"My cell phone records say that I've been talking to him daily for four months in 30 minute shots? That's because he lives across town and he likes phone sex before I give him the real thing"
13 years 2 months ago #543

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  • prefer to smile
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Replied by prefer to smile on topic Cheater's Paradox

POPS, THANK YOU for putting it so factually. I'm glad to read that you've got a healthy grip on the "getting over it and on with life" stage.
I'm a guy who was turned inside out and flipped over several times. I've slowly been getting on with things. Your words have done wonders. Thanks for helping to expidiate the healing process.
13 years 2 months ago #608

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  • Getting Past It
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Replied by Getting Past It on topic Cheater's Paradox

Yes, thank you so much for cutting it to the quick. My only problem has been playing the detective, finding out more and letting it get me down.
13 years 3 weeks ago #716

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  • not always what you believe
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Replied by not always what you believe on topic Cheater's Paradox

I found the easy part was identifying the I think something is going on intuition and realizing from small hints that I was probably right... the hard part is finding the reasons to stay. What I can't get my head around is why I would want to stay... Why not leave and start a new healthy relationship with someone who loves me. Cheater's Paradox... I'm curious why you stayed after that terrible pj incident?<br><br>Post edited by: moderator, at: 2006/09/03 08:44
12 years 11 months ago #919

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  • Char
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Replied by Char on topic Cheater's Paradox

I know for me the reason I stayed is easy. No matter what has happened I believe in the bonds of my marriage. I believe in spending the rest of my life with that one person who makes my heart zing. For me he does. And that we are both working to overcome our problems. I guess if I didn't feel he still loved me then it would have been easy to walk away. But there is something still there for both of us there for (we try). I can't say it will end happily but at least I know I've done all I can for myself and our children and I'm doing everything I can to make him happy. If its not enough then I know I haven't failed and I can live with that in the end. Marriage is give and take. Always working always striving to make things better. If you give up on that then what was the point of marrying that person. I married because I love him and I wanted to build a life with him. No one said it was easy no one said love isn't hard work. It's probably the hardest thing I have had to work at in my life. To keep it always new. Not getting into that same old rut. Taking advantage of and not appreciating each other after time. That is the start of where marriages fail. I made those mistakes and saw them for what they were. Hopefully he's seeing it too. So now I take steps to correct those things the little things we lose along the way. That's why I stay. I saw a movie that hit home for me the guy said I would rather fight with you then make love with anyone else. The thought of being with someone else??? I just didn't see it. So I chose to fight the fight that to me matters most. The fight to keep my FAMILY together. The way I look at things now? Its not just me and him - its me and him plus 2 more. We committed to each other and now have 2 others to help guide thru this thing called life. And for better or worse we CHOSE to do that together. That's my insight to critical steps and forgiveness.<br><br>Post edited by: moderator, at: 2006/09/05 07:24
12 years 11 months ago #920

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  • Pops
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Replied by Pops on topic Cheater's Paradox

not always what you believe,

Sounds like you already have one foot out the door, and if you're not willing to fight for the relationship then, yes, you would have a difficult time coming up with reasons to stay. And we all know that one doesn't walk down the road find someone who loves them and start a relationship with them. Relationship first, love second or maybe not love at all (it can be incredibly difficult to love again after the pain caused by someone you love so deeply).
And I'm curious about your curiousity, when in my post did I say that I stayed?
12 years 11 months ago #935

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