• Midnightshdw
  • Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts 1
  • Thank you received: 0

Uncertainty was created by Midnightshdw

First a disclaimer, this post might get rather long in description because while remaining anonymous I also want to give the reader the best picture I can of the situation from my point of view. Therefore ahead of time I want to thank anyone who ends up taking the time to read through my lifes drama and say I truly do appreciate any advise, comments, or opinions, negative positive or otherwise that you choose to share. I want to be as honest as possible, and I want to paint as clear a picture as I can about what I'm dealing with. But I do encourage you to take everything I say with a grain of salt. Because everything I write is based off both my memory and my feelings. Regardless of right or wrong there are always two sides to a story and so I'm trying to be as 'factual' as I can.My wife and I are both 25 years old.  We started dating in high school, and continued dating for 6 years. I proposed to her and we lived together for a year before tying the knot. And have now been married for two years. So now let me back up. Every couple that I know of has their own relationship issues. And there were two main issues my wife and I had battled over. And we would argue over these issues over time, we would try to correct or improve etc but the overall issue remained and in my opinion seem relevant to the affair. Her main complaint was that I was spending too much time playing video games, and not enough time with her. As in time say just watching a show with her, or sitting down talking, etc. Somedays she might come home and I would barely acknowledge she was there until I would put it down which might be 20 minutes to an hour on occasion from when she walked in the door. Even on our days off together I might spend more time with what I consider my hobby than I did spending time with her. So in culmination she would feel like I wasn't paying her enough attention. Despite me being the guy that would drop by her work and bring her coffee, we would go out to dinner usually once a week or every other at the least. I'd set aside days to spend together just the two of us. But there were days where I would just play. I just dont want to give the idea that I wasnt trying.On the other hand, my main complaint was that she never seemed to or rarely showed physical affection. Yes sex is included but I also mean hugs, or flirtatious touches, or anything of the nature. Such as for example a lot of our good morning kisses would be a mere peck, or seemed to lack intimacy. (My oppinion). Anything of the nature was constantly initiated by me beyond the it's the guys job stereotype. However I must state 100% in her defence against this, there was an instance of sexual battery against her during our second year of dating by another man. And she has stated she lost her libido (sex drive) from that instance and has yet to get it back. Which has made me feel pretty horrible for griping about it. It's like my biggest complaint she gets a free pass . And of course you/i cant understand how that affects someone even if you've been through it because it would be different every time. Which is why i typically feel like I cant express how I'm lacking some things that I want. Anyway, I dont want to get bogged down on the subject... moving on.And as another disclaimer both of these issues were in flux over the years, she would gripe, I would change, then revert, and same for vice versa.Okay, so approaching the subject at hand. So we were on a mini vacation for a friends wedding. This is 9 months after our Our marriage. Our mutual female best friend from high school asked to stay with us (we had a 3 bedroom cabin rental). Well we stayed up after the wedding drinking, playing games, etc and my wife ended up falling asleep on the couch. So me and our mutual friend went to the balcony and were chatting catching up on stuff from over the years while still drinking. Well we got in the hot tub and still just talking about a lot of stuff. What started with us sitting across from each other ended up being us seated next to each other and leaning on one another. So at this point of course the boundary line was kinda super crossed already. Well the alarm rang loud enough that I said we should get out and I stood up and we got out and were drying. Well so then we decided it's late, we should go to bed. And so we hug, and it was a long, affectionate hug. And during that moment we ended up kissing. Like semi-making out kissing. Door opens, and theres the wife. So I cheated on my wife. I betrayed her trust, and honestly I betrayed myself because despite evidence to the contrary, ive always considered myself not to be that guy.So of course there was a huge, well everything. Breach of trust, how could you, with her really?, how do I know nothing else would have happened, etc. I'll let you fill in some blanks but spoil the ending. She agreed to work things out. I'm not to drink unless shes with me and conscious, change/working on the gaming too much. Anyway I really messed up. And I know I hurt her badly. I blame a couple things on why I kissed our friend, all to do with myself.Well I was struggling the first couple months. And it was extremely rough going, emotionally mentally trying to repair everything I'd set ablaze. About 4 months in I got my first clue how much worse everything was. She tells me while were driving that she thinks she likes a guy at her work (a manager over her). Major red flag. A guy I had already expressed jealousy of. I had met the guy and I knew they talked, but I ceartinly had no room to flip out on her especially as she was sharing the Info with me. So I asked/told her to stop talking to the guy completely and that all I could do is trust her. Well another month goes by and things are actually seeming to be going downhill. She wants to separate and is considering divorce. I'm losing my mind over it all. So I had to leave town for training (work) and got to thinking about it all. Well needless to say I grew suspicious and checked the phone bill. An alarming amount of texts messages and some very lengthy phone calls to her boss. Well during my next phone call with her I called her out on it and she tried to say they were work related and nothing was going on. Well I bluffed and said I read the messages via the phone bill (which you cant do). And she basically told me so then you know that we've had sex and that I love him.Yeah... so. When I got home, I was pretty calm and more heartbroken than anything. Got a bigger dose of my own medicine? Well we went to couples therapy on and off. We talked about it a lot to each other. She ended things with him and he changed jobs to another city. It's been a year now and from an outside glance were seem to be doing pretty well. But I'm constantly hounded by triggers from it all. Simple things like seeing her text (a completely normal thing to do) can have me paranoid and thinking about everything. Or if I'm ever away from her for a period of time I cant help but think about the whole situation. And I will say, I've never noticed how much us guys talk about how "if my wife cheated I'd leave her ass in a heartbeat" until now. We still have the same main issues from before only now all I can think is that she was intimate with this other guy. Like how she can say she doesn't have a sex drive but there she was with another guy? And just, *deep sigh*I love this girl I really do. And I think the fact that's it's been a year now is a testamate to that. But it still feels fresh, like it was only a few days ago and were at the point where it feels like we should be moving forward but I dont know if I can. I'm constantly thinking/wondering if I'm just wasting time in a doomed relationship. Back when it happened she claimed she was in love with the guy, but talking things through theres no way she fell in love that fast. I chalk it up to almost like a revenge affair but I dont really know. But what really caught me by surprise is when my wife became pregnant. (Recent) My first knee jerk reaction wasn't that we created something beautiful. And dont get me wrong I want to be a dad, and I do want kids. But all I could think was oh shit now I'm stuck. And of course I wouldn't be stuck, but it'd be a lot more complicated for sure. But she ended up miscarrying about two months in. And were dealing with that but my thoughts haven't seem to altered and I feel horrible that I was kinda relieved in the sense that it gives me more time to fight to a conclusion on whether I should stay. I keep looking at the grass on the other side and wondering how green it would be if I did just start over. What if I rushed into things, after all I married my high school sweetheart. And all the 'aww's aside it feels like I missed out on a lot. And missed the opportunity to shop around for lack of a better way to say it. So what I'm really asking for here by posting all this besides just expressing what I keep bottled up, is for an open oppinion on the situation. What should I do. Should we go to therapy again, should I end it, should I keep trying. What advise can you give? As I've said before I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this. :\
2 months 1 week ago #93072

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Posts 1
  • Thank you received: 0

Replied by Yari on topic Uncertainty

I think that you and your wife need to sit down and talk... Find out if this is a relationship that she wants to preserve, if she lacks the interest or love to stay and fight together for your marriage, then I'll say you should separate... But if she wants to put in the necessary efforts, then by all means you guys can work things out... And start a family only if you know you guy can do this together; kids are a big commitment, but you guys are young and can definitely work this out.
2 months 1 week ago #93082

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Posts 29
  • Thank you received: 3

Replied by GA Blinded on topic Uncertainty

Hi midnightshdw,
I read your story and could only feel a sense of compassion for what you are going through.  I understand you as I was in similar situations in the past.
You don't deserve to be in a relationship that's all give and no take.  The fact she blatantly threw in your face that she had sex with and loved another guy is the bigger issue to me than the actual cheating. Almost like a sociopath doing wrong and will never feel guilt or remorse will almost certainly do it again. She lost her libido but bangs and loves another guy means she lost her attraction to you and not her libido. That leads to another question. Was there something that happened to cause her loss of attraction to you? It sounds like she was just using the incident a few years ago as an excuse. If so, one would need to discern if it was on your side or hers or both. Is there any suspicion that it was really a miscarriage and not her sneaking off for an abortion to avoid dealing with paternity issues?
Also, why would you spend so much time ignoring her if you actually loved her? My first marriage was a disaster and I only reverted to video games to avoid dealing with my failed marriage. Years later I met my perfect 10 and fell for her hard... there was nothing in the world I wanted to do if it didn't involve her.
The bottom line is what do you want your relationship to look like? Are you that forgiving and resilient that you will stay together anyway?
Forgiveness is not about her, it's about you. You are the only person in the world who can decide if you will forgive someone or not.
I hope this gives you something that can help put things into perspective.
1 month 3 weeks ago #93128

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Powered by Kunena Forum