Lying due to fear of rejection

  • JustinP
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Lying due to fear of rejection was created by JustinP

I would like to ask for some urgent advice regarding having been in a very intense relationship that was underpinned by a series of lies that have had a devastating impact on my mental wellbeing and health.

Background
I have been in several abusive relationships previously.  When I met my most recent partner, she said that she had come into my life to give me all of the good things that had been missing from it. She was very intense very quickly - making declarations of love, asking me to go overseas to meet her friends and family within 6-weeks and asking me to move in with her after 3-months. It was very intoxicating because she was kind, loving, attentive, beautiful.but also very dishonest.I was very open about my past and that I valued honesty and openness about the important things - our values, beliefs and so on. I am aware that we all lie about things - especially certain issues. But for me, transparency about who we are is important.

Values
We would talk about our lifestyles and values and she would always say that she shared them and felt the same. For instance, monogamy is very important to me. And I see sex as something that is important and an act of love. She said she felt this way too. I also said that I wanted to be with someone who is straight and so on.

Lying
It has transpired that she has lied to me about things such as monogamy: she is involved in the poly scene and has dated men who are in open marriages. She also recently connected (just before she and I met) with a guy who runs sex parties and practises non-monogamy and runs sex parties. She lied about her sexuality - although she does not identify as bisexual she was involved with two people just prio4r to her meeting me (a man and a woman. The man did not know about the woman). She was looking on datings apps last year for a relationship with a woman. And she has kissed many of her female friends in a sexual way. She says that she finds this an ego stroke. She also misled me about when she last had an STD test. Based on what she told me we have been having unprotected sex. But it transpires that her last test was many, many years ago.She has also been dishonest about the level and nature of her relationship with other men in her life. And more...

Drip-feeding
All of this information has been drip-fed to me over the past 4-months. It has caused me significant pain and anguish. She has always protested that she is being honest and upfront. And then, a few days later, more information will come out that I find difficult.

Recently, she has said that she has, in fact, been dishonest with me. That she has been drip-feeding me the truth. And that she has done this and been doing this as she is terrified of rejection. She has said that I am the love of her life. And that, even though she knows that some of my past relationships have been very difficult for me due to lying and that it is so important to my psychological wellbeing, she has been unable to be open and honest with me. She says that she has feared that I would not like her and would reject her. So she pretended to have the same values and outlook as me so that I stayed with her.

We would sit down and have big heart-to-hearts, she would hold me and reassure me and tell me that it was time for full disclosure. So we talked and we cried and we shared. It was wonderful. And then a few days later it was clear that she still had not been entirely honest and more truths came out.

Anxiety
I had been becoming increasingly anxious in the relationship. Unable to know really who she is. I felt unsafe. I was always waiting for the next drip. I became mistrustful because I didn't think she would tell me things that I needed to know. She would make promises and then break them... She said she would go to therapy but our relationship has ended on a very traumatic note now.

I have lost all sense of what is normal and typical in a healthy, loving relationship. Because this person was telling me that I was the love of her life and yet she was lying about her values, her lifestyle and so much more so that it fit with mine.

But surely values and one's sexuality and lifestyle are important things to share? I get that she might not have been entirely transparent about the men in her life. But there have been so many things that have been shady...

Is this level of concealing things and lying acceptable based on the fact that she does love me, she is just desperately scared of losing me.

Can anyone give me some advice? I desperately need some help here...
3 months 4 weeks ago #93483

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Replied by sal9396 on topic Lying due to fear of rejection

I'm a bit confused. You say the relationship ended, so what kind of advice are you looking for? I don't know the details of your past relationship issues, but based on the way you wrote this and what you wrote about, I am wondering if you have received any professional help? Generally, having shared values, expectations and needs with your partner are crucial to a healthy relationship. However, based on the way you have written about this, you seem to be especially intense about those issues, and I wonder if the way you presented these issues, as well as your past experiences, intimidated her and led her to be fearful to really be honest with you.

Usually, these kinds of things about a partner's past come to light organically over time as you get more and more comfortable with the other person, and the relationship. But it sounds like you laid out all of your non-negotiables right up front, perhaps making her feel pressure to be the person you require.

This is not to say she is not at fault for her lack of complete honesty, but I also think you should talk to a therapist/counselor about your past experiences and how they are impacting your relationships now. That person might be able to help you start moving past those issues and get to a place where you can have a healthy relationship with the next person.
3 months 4 weeks ago #93484

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