Married 33 years blindsided by husband’s cheating

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Married 33 years blindsided by husband’s cheating was created by s_vandenberg@shaw.ca

Hi, Just before Christmas my husband and I were at a friends house and just before we left he went to the bathroom and left his cell phone on the chair. It was open and there is was. Texting another woman. To say that it knocked the breath out of me is an understatement. Since then I have actually taken photos of more texts and have found other clues. He travels lots for business but I have always had complete trust in him. 
Our adult son who lives at home has had many drug/mental health issues and it has been very stressful. My husband has changed. He says mean things to me and I chalked it up to stress but never would I have guessed he would be unfaithful. 
More clues have come up. A receipt for my Xmas gift except there were other things that he gave to her. I questioned him and he had some excuses. Our bank account is showing lots of spending and on a cc that is his. He says it’s work stuff but it’s not. I am going to ask to see statements. Two other bar receipts when he has gone for drinks at the airport at 1am. He is back home tonight and I am going crazy. 
His daughter who is 21 looks up to him and she needs to know he is not really the person she thinks. Our sons will also be shocked. He portrays himself as such a moral respectful person and that is all going to be shattered. 
The clues are all there and now I have to confront him. How do I confront him?  
We have built a great life and he is retiring in a year and we were looking forward to lots of things. This is not something I will be able to get over so I am guessing we will have to part ways. Never in a million years thought I would be in this position. 
5 months 1 week ago #92893

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Replied by amazing k on topic Married 33 years blindsided by husband’s cheating

I just read this and I hope I’m not too late in my personal advice. I hope by now you and your husband have been seeing a therapist (Gottman trained if possible). I hope you have stopped questioning him or being the detective that will make your life horrible. I also hope you have not told your wonderful children who do not deserve such venom spewed on them, unless you really want out of your marriage and think (sadly) this will bring your comfort.
I’m 2 years out of discovering a 13 year shocking affair, so I can completely relate to the absolute devastation. We are definitely celebrating 29 years this year as the last 2 years have been agonizing work but every day is a better step in the right direction.
Your therapist will help the two of you “air” out everything, He/She will find a space for your husband to become truly honest with himself. I can’t comment on your story, as the one thing I have learned for sure is that EVERY story is unique/different. It’s not cut/dry because there’s too many things to consider that make it “your” story. Don’t throw away your dream, your marriage, your husband for that matter simply becuase the American diet demands divorce over some Viagra moment or perhaps your husband doesn’t realize he’s really a bank to some “whore” he needs to get new shoes. There are some incredibly disgusting women alive who will do anything for a new purse. If this is the case, your husband better buckle up because he will become the laughing stock of his own delusions. A great book to read “together” is Infidelity by Esther Perel (You tube her, she’s incredible and talking like no one out there). Psychology has been monitoring the marriage world over the last 25 years and trust me, they can help you.
3 months 4 weeks ago #93028

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Replied by Echobravo on topic Married 33 years blindsided by husband’s cheating

So sorry this happened to you.  How are things now?
3 months 4 days ago #93090

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Replied by amazing k on topic Married 33 years blindsided by husband’s cheating

Thank you for asking.
I am always progressing. Some days/moments are definite slides backwards but the words “I love you” are slowly returning. I live for the day when so much never comes up. We continue to see our therapist once per month at a 3 hour session. While my husband IS the reason we are in this mess, he is also doing more than I thought possible to get us out. If I could start a thread of “what did you go through the first year”, I would love to hear everyone’s symptoms. My first year was a complete fog. It didn’t take much to place me in the bottom of the shower unable to get out. I would have crying bouts at least 2-3 times per week. To say I was hard hit is a complete unestimation of my life.
To celebrate, it’s been a few months since I’ve cried in the shower, my triggers have slowed down drastically and my favorite words of saving I love you to my husband have slowly crept back into my dialogue.
Compared to D day, I’d say I’m 50% better. I’m by no means one fo those people that celebrate the “new marriage”. Always a work in progress for sure.
Are you also on this side of the sad fence?
3 months 2 days ago #93096

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