Cheating? Or Me Overacting?

  • jennie2smalls
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Cheating? Or Me Overacting? was created by jennie2smalls

I have been married 13 years. I have never questioned my husband's commitment to me. The marriage has had its ups and downs but we see to pull through together. Never have I thought of giving up. I will try to be detailed without rambling. The marriage has always been open. We shared an Excel sheet with all passwords. Financial, email, & social media accounts. We had the same pin codes on all devices. He would leave his phone laying around. If it rang, I could answer. I honestly never went through it because I didn't feel the need. In the past 2 years that changed. It is always on his person. It is on silent or off. The pin changed to a password that I don't know. I found credit card charges about 3-4 years ago with Metro PCS charges (another carrier). He never told me what it was for. His dad owns a business. My husband basically runs it. Ge started working til 9-10 at night. Became annoyed when I asked when he would be home. I am working my butt off. So much to do not enough time he would say. I thought I was being a nagging wife. Tried to respect he was working hard for our family. 2 years ago he added a 2nd PRN secretary. He went to school with her. January of 2018 I needed a security code for our bank app. He could only be sent to his email. This code had a 7 min expiration. I would request it & ask him to give it. He always failed to do so. So I became suspicious. Logged into his email & opened Pandoras box. I found Bed Bath and Beyond order confirmations. 1 was for me for Christmas. 2 was for his secretary. I found an engraving confirmation. 1 was for me. 2 items for her. One said "her name " the other ❤ more than words ". He said she didn't have a debit card so he ordered it & she paid him back. They were ordered on my credit card. There was a $200 Christmas tree on my home depot card. He ordered it for a guy at work. He paid him back. A mirror and some drinking glasses. He doesn't remember purchasing those. I turned a tablet in with his gmail. found screenshots of black Friday sales with her Facebook messenger bubble on the side. When confronted he was only trying to help her out. They only talked about work stuff. I found a regions account that he lied about until recently. He says he will let me see his phone but never does. Says there is nothing to see. January 2018 to April 2018 he new he loved but didn't know if he wanted to be with me. He just turned off about 3 days after I ask if he was cheating on me. I feel that I have a good leg to stand on. Even though things are better, I can't shake the feeling he did cheat. Why can't he just be honest? He knows how had it hurts me. I have verbally expressed my concerns over and over. Anytime she comes up, he goes mute. I have told him she needs to go yet she still works there. I am going crazy. 
2 months 3 weeks ago #93295

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  • jade031988@gmail.com
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Replied by jade031988@gmail.com on topic Cheating? Or Me Overacting?

No way are you over reacting but you have to decide if you can live like this I think if you tell him action or your leaving he will need to confess that what kind of girl messes with a married man maybe try and confront her in a subtle way. People are horrible I hope your ok
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2 months 3 weeks ago #93306

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Replied by Adrisan1722 on topic Cheating? Or Me Overacting?

Hi Jennie,
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Unfortunately, most betrayals happen in the workplace. The amount of time we spend with coworkers can sometimes confuse people as to what their priorities should be. All you need for an affair to happen are three things: intent, time, and space and it looks like all 3 are present here. 

Now, to answer your question about why he can't be honest about it. The main reason is that you don't have solid proof of cheating. You have circumstantial information about inappropriate behavior. This was my mistake when I faced something similar. I didn't wait to gather solid evidence with the information I had and quickly confronted my wife. The result? I couldn't get a confession because I had no proof...only suspicious behavior.  Cheaters will never confess unless solid proof is presented...period.

It is unlikely that he will ever come clean under these circumstances and very likely that he will now cover his tracks knowing you are suspicious. The best advice I can give you is to do what I did.

I bought a GPS tracker from Spytec and put it in her car. Meanwhile I pretended everything was okay and stopped pushing the issue. Within a month, once her guard was down, she started seeing the other guy again. How do I know? Because I drove to the park she was at with him and introduced myself properly. Best $25/month I ever spent. Btw, I'm not sure if it's legal to put a GPS tracker in your State or not so don't follow this advice without knowing all the facts about the legality of doing this.

I wish you luck with everything and hope whatever you decide works for the best. 
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2 months 3 weeks ago #93311

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Replied by jennie2smalls on topic Cheating? Or Me Overacting?

Thank you for your advice. He did install Life 360 around January of this year. I started using it so I could see when my daughter's daycare bus arrived safely. He joined the family circle. He has never really turned his location off. So, now I can see where he is at all times. That really doesn't help me when he is at work. What I can't wrap my head around is the comments.."You can see my phone but there is nothing there." Why would it be difficult to hand it over if there is nothing there? Even if all circumstantial findings are innocent actions, his delay and the way he answered me point to guilt. The day I confronted him he wanted us to be together and happy. One statement that caught me off guard was "If we don't last, we have to be friends. " He had never said anything like that. That tells me he had thought of leaving (maybe because of her) before I even accused him of cheating. He said he would always love me and couldn't bare not having my friendship. We have 2 beautiful girls and need to be friends for them. Even if he didn't cheat I will always believe he thought about it. I told him you cheated on my financially and emotionally. He said they would chat about what was going wrong in their lives. I was not the 1st person he turned to and that will always hurt. I just keep trying to enjoy this effort he puts into our marriage now. An effort I have not seen since she started working there. Looking back now I can see the changes in him fit that timeline. I just want the truth in that grey area. I have told him I have lost alot of trust. There is nothing I can say that is enough for him to be completely honest. If your the person you love is hurt, would you not give them what they need to heal? I know he loves me. Why put so much effort into me when it is in the wrong direction? I don't want material expensive gifts. I need transparency in our marriage. 
2 months 2 weeks ago #93323

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Replied by JenniferW on topic Cheating? Or Me Overacting?

I've learned, trust your gut more than his excuses. And he is only holding that he's thought to leave to put That in your head, to make it easier if you catch him. 
It would be helpful to find Some sort of tool. 
Do you think they use facebook messenger? I can tell you how to check their messages that way. 
Do you have access to his phone? Something else i'm checking on is to see if there's a way to put a keystroke tracker on his phone, so I can see what he's writing, even if he erases it! (Since I couldn't control myself, I let on too much. So he's Done. But that doesn't mean he wouldn't go back later, ya know?)

If you have access and can find a keyboard tablet you can afford, get it on his phone but sent only to you. That way, he continues as normal, and you can grab yourself some evidence. 
You might enjoy something I did... One day, he told her it's raining. Would she like to go dancing in the rain? I was in a store, reading his fb text. So when I got out there, I told him that if our daughter still lived here, she would love this weather, because she is to go swinging in the rain. And then I told him that that started from when she was really little and I used to invite her to go dancing in the rain with me!
(Sorry  you have to entertain yourself during all this!)
2 months 2 weeks ago #93327

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Replied by jennie2smalls on topic Cheating? Or Me Overacting?

Thank you for replying. No I don't have access. I mean I could grab it while he sleeps but I do not have a pin. I know at one point Facebook Messenger was used. He has kept his Facebook deactivated for a while now. Originally he just kept it off at bedtime. Now it is on but set to private. I can see he has a text but not who from. I dont know the pin or any passwords for anything now. He pretty much had switched everything before I even suspected cheating. His phone became off limits over 2 yrs ago now. I would love any advice you may have. Thank you 
2 months 5 days ago #93356

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