I Lied, Now He Wants a Divorce

  • OperaLS
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I Lied, Now He Wants a Divorce was created by OperaLS

My husband and I have been together for a little over four years, and one of those years as a married couple. My husband is a genuinely honest person; he communicates well and is generally attentive, but not without flaws. The only flaw that truly concerns me is his ability to resort to anger or seclusion at the sign of trouble. When very upset, he sometimes punches inanimate objects, throws things, or drives recklessly. I never fear that he will hurt me, but I fear that he will hurt himself or put us in both danger, such as when upset while driving. That aside, I made a mistake. I lied to my husband about my job, and he found out. It was a terrible way to find out; I quit my job a week ago, and I had planned to tell him immediately. However, when I got home, he was upset and I suddenly was too afraid to tell him my bad news. I put it off, planning to tell him once he was calm, but the longer into the week that I waited, the harder it became to tell him. Finally, a week after quitting, I was determined to come clean. To my shock and embarrassment, he went to my work with flowers and asked for me. That’s how he found out that I hadn’t been to work in a week. He confronted me right away, and was very calm about it — no wall punching or speeding, no shouting or angry yelling. He simply heard my explanation and then said he wanted a divorce. This is the second time I have lied to my husband. The last time was painful, and I promised to never lie to him again. I actively tried to be forthright and honest with him at all times throughout the following year, until this point. Until now, I was conscious of making the right choice, even when difficult, to be honest with him about my life, my choices, and my actions. I fee almost as if this lie caught me off guard as well; I didn’t want to lie to him, but I was scared of upsetting him further. I had no right to lie. I was absolutely in the wrong, and there is no debate there. I almost wish I hadn’t promised to never lie; I don’t want to lie to anyone ever, and especially not my husband, but it feels like I set myself up for failure with such a big promise.I want to know if and how to regain his trust so that we can rebuild our marriage. I don’t want to separate from him. I love and care for my husband, and I know he loves me too, but he says his trust has been broken again, and that he told me the previous time that he didn’t think he could take being heartbroken over a lie again. I understand his position, and I understand his loss of trust in me, but I still want to fight for our relationship. I believe we can rebuild, but how do I convince a hurt, anger-prone person to believe it too? I would appreciate any and all advice on the matter.
1 week 2 days ago #93497

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Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic I Lied, Now He Wants a Divorce

I think your biggest issue is his anger management problem. You probably lied because you wanted to save yourself from his actions. In a way he pushed you into it.

You lied, but I think he's the one who needs to get help. You're living in a prison of his anger issues. Even if you never lie again he'll likely hold this over your head. In other words, your lies are a convenient weapon he has that he can use against you. You should not put up with his behavior. It makes for an unhealthy relationship. He is an abuser, even if you don't want to think of it that way. He says he can't take the heartbreak of another lie. Well, you should not have to put up with the heartbreak of him treating you like this.

If he doesn't get counseling, then you should seek counseling of your own. You are in a codependent relationship. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions.
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
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1 week 2 days ago #93499

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Replied by OperaLS on topic I Lied, Now He Wants a Divorce

Thank you for your unbiased response. I have explained the situation to both of my parents and my mother-in-law, I suppose mostly in hopes that she will be able to talk him out of his anger and firm decision to file for divorce. My parents share your opinion, but as they are my parents, I wasn’t sure if they were able to see both sides of the story. They are upset with him, as he has kicked me out of our apartment in addition to stating he wants a divorce and doesn’t want me to contact him further. All in all, it sounds so serious, and I know that many people would simply give up on the relationship and move on. I don’t want to do that; I truly love my husband, and I believe that his many other positive qualities can lead to improvement. But I think you’re right: he needs professional anger counseling. My next question or concern is how does someone lead and encourage their partner to seek help? He is not necessarily against counseling, as we’ve tried it once before (but the counselor was a bad fit for us; his service did not help), but I can’t imagine him reaching out by himself at this point. He is stubborn and with this current situation he is completely against hearing me out. Again, I would appreciate advice on how to move forward. 
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