My boyfriend of 3 years texted an escort and I cannot pretend to be okay with it

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My boyfriend of 3 years texted an escort and I cannot pretend to be okay with it was created by youngengineer_11

Hey everyone!
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years now (excluding 6 months during which we were broken up).
Long story short, started dating LDR, everything was fine, then after 6 months he didn't come to visit me as he was trying to get back with his ex (I found out through his messages in Facebook, and I only looked after he went through all my accounts, phone, etc.). I guess the whole getting back processes didn't quite work out because his ex decided to move on.
Fast forward 6 months from that time, I gave him a second chance and he came over for summer to spend 3 months with me. He had to go back to his home country in order to get a working visa so he could stay with me for 2 years in the country where I was studying my postgrad - this was his way of saying sorry and trying to show me how much he loves me etc. So after his arrival, I found out that he has texted an escort during the 3-month period he was back at his home country. He said he didn't go to see one, and it was for his friend, and also out of his own curiosity. Of course, I had millions of questions, like why didn't the friend text her himself knowing the fact that the friend has been seeing prostitutes before, etc. So he keeps denying he went there, and says he wouldn't be able to look me in the eye if he did actually hurt me that way.
The issue is I do not think I can actually live like this further. This issue comes up every 3 months since the time it happened. I am okay most of the time, but then when I think of all the stuff he has told me something just doesn't add up. I do not know what to do, especially knowing the fact that he moved all the way here just to be with me without any friends, family, etc. He is having a super boring life, doing nothing, just working 9-5. So I guess I do think he loves me, just do not really understand his actions.
Any suggestions?
3 years 3 months ago #91627

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  • Marie H
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Replied by Marie H on topic My boyfriend of 3 years texted an escort and I cannot pretend to be okay with it

Even though you are not married, what harm could there be in seeing a couples therapist/counselor?

I can never understand why couples that have these types of issues that are so obviously NOT NORMAL in a healthy relationship don't cut to the chase and see a therapist. No matter how smart or educated or enlightened one can be -- trying to sort through the mess and figure out how to have a healthy relationship isn't always possible because you are on the inside.

If you read your post (if you have not) imagine it was written by someone else? What would your advice be to that person?

The heart and the mind are not connected. Our emotions cloud our judgment and influence how we rationalize situations and dynamics in the relationship and of the partner. Your best bet would be to see a couples counselor, discuss the issues, delve into the depth of this relationship, figure out how you both approach relationship problem solving, communication styles and see if this is even a relationship worth your time and energy. It may not be. Yes that may hurt to come to that realization...but better to come to terms with a relationship that wasn't meant to be and walk away with minor bruises then find yourself with a huge whole in your heart down the road.

OR ---- maybe you two can figure out how to be better partners. But you sure as heck will not figure that out by doing nothing. Best, Marie
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3 years 3 months ago #91629

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Replied by youngengineer_11 on topic My boyfriend of 3 years texted an escort and I cannot pretend to be okay with it

Thank you for your reply. Greatly appreciate it.
The problem is that he believes it is not a big deal - as he claims he messaged an agency rather than a single prostitute. He thinks talking is not action.
I have thought of a variety of ways to deal with this, and counselling was one of them. But I fear if I bring up the idea of counselling to him, and even if we go through this -he will be the one to break up with me because I do not trust him. He believes his words should be enough evidence that he didn't cheat. On the other hand though, I am fearing that if this keeps going on I will not be able to stay with him.
3 years 3 months ago #91632

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Replied by Marie H on topic My boyfriend of 3 years texted an escort and I cannot pretend to be okay with it

Hmmmmm. Here's the the thing. This isn't about how he feels about it, what his spin is, how this makes him feel. He isn't here stressing over any of this. You are. This is your gig, not his. Whether he believes this is a big deal or not is irrelevant. You do. Your gig. Your feelings. Your perspective Not his. His justification of his actions and definition of being deceptive of course are only going to be from his eyes only. Clearly how this has made you feel is not part of his equation. Red Flag #1. Are you beginning to see a picture here? If not, read on.

You FEAR bringing up counseling???? What are you AFRAID of? First of all, having any fear of any kind in a relationship is a huge red flag. Any relationship worth a stone includes open, honest, and FEAR FREE dialogue. If you are in fear of anything, even fear he will leave you....Huge Red Flag #2.

You do not trust him - your words. Red Flag #3.

Whether he cheated or not isn't even the question because it may or may not be. What is in question and what is the issue is him being deceptive and dismissive. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone that will be dismissive of your feelings? Someone that will not consider how their actions may affect you? For that matter, will they even care how you are feeling? Are your feelings not important? To you and to him? Do you want to spend day and night wondering what he is doing, if he is lying and on top of all that having to keep silent about your suspicions just so he will stay with you? I pray you see the point here.

I know you know the answers to these questions. For whatever your reasons, you are willing to allow a man to treat you like a second class person...correct that...third class. Who you are and what you have to give to a relationship is worth sooooo much more than this. Soooo much more, but YOU have to see that. YOU have to feel that. What anybody else thinks or believes doesn't matter. It's what YOU believe.

Please, seek out a counselor just for you. BF doesn't even need to know you are seeing one...do it for you. I am completely confident if you get support in building your self confidence and learning how to appreciate YOUR boundaries and protecting YOUR feelings you will see how this relationship (under his code of ethics) is disrespecting yourself. No man is worth being afraid to talk to about fixing relationships issues. No man.

Best, Marie
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3 years 3 months ago #91633

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Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic My boyfriend of 3 years texted an escort and I cannot pretend to be okay with it

I found out that he has texted an escort during the 3-month period he was back at his home country. He said he didn't go to see one, and it was for his friend, and also out of his own curiosity. Of course, I had millions of questions, like why didn't the friend text her himself knowing the fact that the friend has been seeing prostitutes before, etc. So he keeps denying he went there, and says he wouldn't be able to look me in the eye if he did actually hurt me that way.

You were right to question his lame excuse. Why couldn’t his friend text for himself, especially if he was in the habit of seeing prostitutes? Then your boyfriend flipped it and said that it was only curiosity. That’s the number 1 excuse when it comes to men calling escorts – “oh, I was just curious, that’s all. I never did anything. I love you and would never do anything to hurt you”. Exact same response every time. But the idea that the thought would come into a man’s mind and that he would act on that thought, even out of curiosity, is worrisome. How long before curiosity leads to acting on that curiosity? And what do you do simply out of curiosity, anyway?

The problem is that he believes it is not a big deal - as he claims he messaged an agency rather than a single prostitute. He thinks talking is not action.

Well, it IS a big deal. You have to message the agency in order to get set up with a prostitute. It’s a means to an end. It’s a sure bet that if he had the direct number of a prostitute he’d have messaged her directly. The point is, he messaged anyone at all looking for a prostitute.

But I fear if I bring up the idea of counselling to him, and even if we go through this -he will be the one to break up with me because I do not trust him. He believes his words should be enough evidence that he didn't cheat.

No, words do not prove anything. Talk is cheap. Actions speak. Trust is earned, and he hasn’t earned your trust. Nor does it look like he wants to take the steps to earn it. he took a misstep in messaging a prostitute. He's made flimsy excuses and dismissed his actions. He should be doing everything he can to show he's sorry he hurt you, and he should be willing to work this out with you, not just sweep it under the rug.
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
3 years 3 months ago #91634

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