I found out I'm the other woman--what do I do?

  • JustSoHurt
  • Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts 16
  • Thank you received: 1

I found out I'm the other woman--what do I do? was created by JustSoHurt

Right now I'm heartbroken and lost. I've been involved with a guy for about a year. Well, I met him a year ago and he chased me hard. A couple of months later, I let my guard down with him. I'd been single a while but trusted him and his intentions as we met through my good friend and her sister. Anyway, I fell for his charm and we got involved. He was amazing, so sweet, totally hot in the bedroom. I was happy that I gave him a chance. However, he stood me up at one point on a pretty big occasion and I was hurt. He had just gone AWOL, no contact, no explanation. I didn't hear from him for a week. Suddenly he contacted me and said he wanted to see me. I was floored--and pissed. At that point, I asked him if he was married. He said he wanted to see me to explain something. Said he wasn't married but needed to explain. So we meet at a coffee shop and he explains that he is technically married, that he got married to stay in the country. He basically tells me there is no relationship between him and the fake wife. Now I was wary but questioned my friend and her sister (the sister is one of his absolute best friends) and my friend knew nothing about the wedding, and her sister did not confirm or deny, just said that I needed to talk to him. He soon explained to me that the friend had been sworn to secrecy because obviously he didn't want the world knowing about the fake marriage as he didn't want anyone to report him to immigration.

He also told me that two family members came to stay with him so I couldn't go to his place. Some times he would disappear for a bit, but he would always come back. I asked on occasion if he was actually truly married because the disappearing acts were frustrating. Things didn't seem quite right. At this point, our mutual friends completely knew we were involved. My friend's sister (now my friend) would tell me (and show me texts) where he said how much he was falling for me. At an event at my friend's house, he then told my friend about his fake marriage (her sister, his bFF, already knew this--she was the one sworn to secrecy about the wedding), because she wanted the truth and to know that he wouldn't string a good friend of hers along. So all of this stuff he said truly made me feel like he was being honest, and being self employed, he could explain his odd hours and occasionally going awol.

Almost from the beginning he told me he wanted to spend his life with me. Months pass and then he's telling me he loves me. He had to leave the country and wanted me desperately to visit but the $3000 flight was too much and his business ventures had him unable to afford my flight.

Until that time, I had not been able to find him on FB but before he left we finally exchanged instagrams. With him gone, and telling me his FB page was his business, I looked him up again. Well, this time I found him. I don't know if it's because of the instagram connection or what. But suddenly I see pics of him and his wife, the wedding, I see her page, see the various pics from the last 5 years when they'd been dating. Nothing about this seems like a fake marriage. I mean, it could be, but really? Worse, I see that my friend's sister is a mutual friend of both of theirs on FB so that means that one time when I was asking her about his marriage and if it was real and she pretended she didn't know much about the marriage, I know that she was lying big time. I want to confront him, and my friend's sister (who recently encouraged me to visit him and "make babies.") Honestly, one of the biggest reasons I truly let my guard down and allowed myself to believe him was the fact that my friend's sister totally supported us together and the fact that he's had me around many of his friends, and they know me as his girlfriend.

Oh...before he left, I asked about his family members "still" staying with him months later. He said they were. I asked again at that point about his fake marriage. I wanted to know if he had married someone he loved or if he married someone who loved him. He told me no on both counts. It would bother me to learn he actually married a woman who loved him if he was just using her.

To sum up, he has no clue I've found him on FB as I want to ask him about this in person. However, I saw this sweet message from him for her birthday where he says she's his "greatest love" and his "greatest treasure." It hurt. Is this just "for show" for immigration, or could a man feel this way about a woman and then carry on a 9 month affair with another woman, tell the other woman he's in love with her, tell his best friend he's in love with the other woman, etc? I was married before and my dilemma is 2 fold. 1) If he's a lying snake who used his wife and used me, I think the wife deserves to know. My ex cheated and I would have loved for someone to tell me. Only once I saw the FB pics (his Instagram has NOTHING about his wife) did I realize that I was probably lied to by him and by my friend's sister, who has become a good friend of mine. 2) Do I wait to see him (his trip back has been delayed) and ask him all this when I can gauge his response? If i alert him, I know he'll find a way to lie and excuse everything and also he may prepare his wife with some bs, fearing I could contact her. I have texts and unfortunately sext messages that I could show the wife if she wanted proof.

It's not impossible that he married to stay in the country, but if he deceived her then I have a problem with his character. If they both agreed to the fake marriage, that's a different story. But I can't ask him anything until he returns and in the meantime it's eating at me that I should just cut ties with him and move one. It hurts because I totally fell in love with him, but if he's lied to me just to have a mistress on the side I have no choice (but why? There are other women who don't care about being a side chick). As for the wife, if he's lied to her and has been cheating on her even before the two year anniversary point, doesn't she deserve to know? If he's just a cheater, then I'm probably not the only one and I don't doubt for a second that he cheated on her from the beginning of their marriage. I know he has a 'past' as a player.

This post is long, and I feel stupid but if he was lying I only believed him because of his support system of friends who enabled his lying and weren't honest with me. I would never willingly be a mistress when a man is in an honest marriage, because I had a cheating husband and it was the worst thing in the world. Any thoughts/advice would be appreciated.
3 years 2 months ago #91735

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Posts 2949
  • Karma: 54
  • Thank you received: 206

Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic I found out I'm the other woman--what do I do?

RUN. And please don't make babies with him! You shouldn't get involved in anyone who would enter into a fake marriage (if it is indeed fake).

Do this -- if this really is a fake marriage, ask him to verify it by calling his fake wife and having her tell you so. He'll come up with some excuse or another why he can't. Or instant message her on Facebook and ask her. Or friend request her. When she asks who you are, tell her that you're just trying to verify that the guy you've been sleeping with is indeed her green card husband, the one she dated for 5 years before marrying him so that he can stay in the country. And if she did marry him for that reason, why would she do it? What does she get out of it? Just as a "favor" to a friend? Because now she's got to spend her life convincing immigration that this is a real marriage. It's a lot to ask for.

Oh, and you don't tell the woman you want to spend your life with that your FB is your business. If you're so much in love with someone the first thing you do is friend each other. Right?

And what about the wedding photos? How elaborate was this wedding? Were there a lot of guests? Because, if you have a fake marriage you wouldn't spend a lot of money on the wedding. You'd only do enough to pass immigration.

And get some better friends.
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
3 years 2 months ago #91740

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • JustSoHurt
  • Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts 16
  • Thank you received: 1

Replied by JustSoHurt on topic I found out I'm the other woman--what do I do?

Thanks for your reply. Re FB, I totally agree. I thought he didn't have a FB page (because I'd searched before and found nothing). Finally discovering it was a huge eye-opener and heart breaker. Five years of dating for a fake marriage? Like you say, why? What would this woman possibly get out of it unless he's paying her? And if that were the case wouldn't he have been able to say that at the beginning? And yes, what hurt more was seeing that it looked like a lavish wedding. Why would anyone spend a ton on a "fake" wedding? Just to keep up appearances? So freaking unlikely.

I would love to confront him and do what you say...have him call his wife to "verify" his story. I might just message her first because I think anyone being deceived like that deserves to know. Besides, he's still out of the country and waiting to deal with this has been tough. I know people tell a lot of lies, but I don't understand what his game plan was. Lure me into an affair, pretend he's free to date, and then what?

As for the friends, absolutely. I asked my friend once if she believed her sister would be honest with me if she knew something nefarious or put her friendship with this guy first. My friend didn't doubt that her sister would tell me the truth, but clearly she was wrong. I will confront her as well, then cut her off. With friends like that, who needs enemies? The only good thing is I was able to access her phone to fully check their FB pages, which is where I saw his loving message to his wife on her birthday.

It just sucks to have been deceived by more than one person...and for what? I guess I'll never understand.

Thanks for listening.
3 years 2 months ago #91742

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Posts 2949
  • Karma: 54
  • Thank you received: 206

Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic I found out I'm the other woman--what do I do?

You're wise. I see so many people here who want so much to believe their partner that the ignore clear evidence otherwise. My other thought was that if immigration is watching him or monitoring him in any way and they find information about a connection to you they might come calling at your door asking questions.

I wouldn't message the wife without being able to offer her proof of your relationship with her husband. Without evidence he can convince her that you're lying.

As for his game plan, I don't know why people get married then start having affairs. It must be just that -- a game. Some guys are just players. Even if this was a fake marriage, it can still only lead to a lot of heartache and even legal issues. If he had real feelings for you he'd have been honest with you up front. I guess he thought you'd never found out about his "fake" marriage despite you having people who knew of his marriage?
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
3 years 2 months ago #91744

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • JustSoHurt
  • Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts 16
  • Thank you received: 1

Replied by JustSoHurt on topic I found out I'm the other woman--what do I do?

Hi, I'm trying to think rationally about this situation but I have my moments. I want to have a convo with him about this, face-to-face ideally, just to hear what he says. I acknowledge that there is a very small chance his story is true. That's the only reason I would even talk to him. And for closure, I guess. From reading people's stories here, it sounds like no contact is the best way to go, but I feel I need to have a conversation with him first.

Interestingly, and it's something I picked up on before, he wasn't keen on leaving voice mails. I once wondered if that was because he didn't want his voice captured as proof. I guess my gut was trying to tell me something, though I didn't totally put much thought into that because he would text me what he was feeling about me, about missing me, etc. Since he had to go away for business he has left me messages on Whatsapp, telling me how much he loves me and misses me and can't wait to see me again. How much he misses the sex.

I honestly think he is a sociopath if this is how easily he lies. He was the one who kept saying he wanted a future when initially I was okay with keeping things more casual. Any suspicion I had he was so quick and "forthcoming" with a genuine response, no anger, said everything to put me at ease. Honestly, it's still so mind-boggling the emotional part of me still wants to believe him.

It's helping to see other's stories and know that some people lie lie lie. They take advantage of our trust for their own gain. Good people will never understand it because we'd never do it.

Posting here is helping. I know I have to deal with the pain, but I think once I verify with a convo with him or the wife that he is nothing but a liar, it will help me start having closure.
3 years 2 months ago #91755

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • JustSoHurt
  • Topic Author
  • Offline
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Fresh Boarder
  • Posts 16
  • Thank you received: 1

Replied by JustSoHurt on topic I found out I'm the other woman--what do I do?

Also, he's disappeared off the face of the planet over the past week. He was supposed to be returning home, but he didn't respond to me and has been silent. Either he's come back and he's "into" his wife or he's still away and he's found someone else to entertain him. He seemed really down when he knew I would not be paying $3000 for a flight to see him, and if he's the horrible cheater I believe he is, he probably found someone else to entertain him.

I expect to hear from him in the future though.
3 years 2 months ago #91756

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Powered by Kunena Forum