Caught Red Handed and Still Lied To

  • John Anderson
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Caught Red Handed and Still Lied To was created by John Anderson

I've been dating a wonderful lady since last October so not a huge length of time, and we moved in together pretty fast. Too fast but just the way it happened. A few weeks ago her iphone flashes up whilst she is asleep on my lap after a nightshift and it is a message from her ex saying how much he loves her still. Now at the time I did not know what came before that message so it did set me wondering. However she needed sleep and had to go straight to work the next morning so a good time to ask never arrived really which turned my mind into mush!

So i pondered for 24 hours then i'm afraid I snooped on her facebook. There is was, the next day they had been talking and light flirting, then a message to say they would meet up.

I probably should have slept on it, but with the message to meet up i jumped and told her about the initial message i had seen (i didnt say i had seen the others) and she lied to me saying i had misconstrued the message and that it had been about the kid they have together (the one he hasn't seen in a year!) Then a few hours later she told me she was off to town 20 miles away, to go shopping. (I knew this wasnt the case and it was completly out of her routine) so again, i confronted her and said is this actually to meet your ex and again she lied, although she looked pretty stunned.

Since then she has asked me to leave and i've been out for 2 weeks with her telling me she needs time and i don't trust her. I've been made to feel like the bad person in this, maybe i did miscontrue the real intentions and i could see no other such messages, just this little flurry. He instigated it not her and because of the time of night they came in at i would guess he had a beer or 2. However she refuses to communicate and i'm struggling to admit that I snooped so getting to the bottom of it is near impossible.

This has not been a long term relationship, but a fast moving one. I had big hopes for it. However even if we reconciled i'm really not sure I could ever stop snooping now I have started and there will always be suspision on my part, and of course, she lied to me and used my mistrust to make out it is all my fault! (maybe it was???)

Any advice, walk away before it turns into a recurring cycle, tell her outright i read her messages and know full well she lied? It's not a great basis for a wonderful future so early on, but maybe it is still worth working for.

Slight bit of history, she was with this man for 19 years, her only every other boyfriend. He is a washed out druggy boozer but they have history. She kicked him out 7 years ago but as far as i can tell were seeing each other off and on until a year ago. He lives with someone else, has kids with 2 other girls, and somehow has a hold over her. God knows how, he had numerous affairs but she put up with it and says they have a "forever bond" blah blah.

Am i taking on too much here?
3 years 2 months ago #91784

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Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic Caught Red Handed and Still Lied To

It's obvious she still has feelings for him although I can't understand why -- he's quite the loser. He's a druggy boozer who has 3 kids with 3 different women and hasn't seen his child by your girlfriend in a year, yet she still keeps up a flirtation with him? I think that when people are "on again off again" for a period of years, it's never going to end.

You said: Any advice, walk away before it turns into a recurring cycle, tell her outright i read her messages and know full well she lied? It's not a great basis for a wonderful future so early on, but maybe it is still worth working for. You are spot on. It will only continue to be a recurring cycle, with you snooping on her because the trust is broken, and her continuing to keep in touch with him. The big rule with exes is no contact, but they have a child together, so that make it impossible not to have at least some contact.

Since then she has asked me to leave and i've been out for 2 weeks with her telling me she needs time and i don't trust her. I've been made to feel like the bad person in this, maybe i did miscontrue the real intentions and i could see no other such messages, just this little flurry. He instigated it not her and because of the time of night they came in at i would guess he had a beer or 2. However she refuses to communicate and i'm struggling to admit that I snooped so getting to the bottom of it is near impossible.


Cheaters always put it back on the shoulders of the person who caught them in their cheating. They blame their partner and make them feel ashamed of the lies and deceit they found. It's called deflecting. Even if the guy instigated, it was on her to stop things before they start. Instead of flirting with him and promising to meet up, she should have shut him down and told him she was in a relationship. He may have instigated, but her response was on her. Considering their on again off again history, I don't think you misconstrued anything. If someone is in a relationship and living with someone, they shouldn't be flirting with an ex - or anyone, but especially someone who is living with someone.

The worst part is their "forever bond". If she's bonded with him and keeps in touch with him, you don't stand a chance. How can you compete with someone who has an unhealthy bond with someone else?
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
3 years 2 months ago #91786

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