Wife had an affair during seperation

  • Zayn88
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Wife had an affair during seperation was created by Zayn88

Hey everyone.

So me and my wife were married for 11 years. We had lots of ups and downs like all couples do. Eventually she asked me to leave. We were separated for over a year. After this period she contacted me and said she wants to restart our relationship.

I am 29 and she is 28. We have 1 child together. I met her and she said she wants to give our relationship another shot but there was something she wants to tell me.

I listened attentively to what she had to say. She told me that she had an affair with a married man who was in his late 40s. I didn't really know how to process this. I didn't really know how to process this and I have a child with her.

Can anyone advise me what to do? I am still shocked about this and don't really have trust but I also see she did this when we were not with each other. Please help.

Thanks
Zayn
3 years 1 month ago #91799

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Replied by HappyHusband on topic Wife had an affair during seperation

Hi, I guess what would be useful is to know what the general issues were that lead her to ask you to leave. But even though her having an affair while you were separated is surprising to you it is to be expected. For you to be in a place to fully process this I hope you had a candid discussion about that relationship especially how/why it ended. Did he end it, if he didn't would she still be with him? Did she end it because she decided she wanted to get together with you? Best case is obviously the latter which should give you confidence. The good news is she didn't cheat on you in my opinion, you were separated. The big question is do you want to be with her, and are you willing to do the work to save the marriage?

I will tell you something you I can tell you based on your age. My wife and I started dating in our teens. We were together all through college. We got married after college I was 25 she was 26. But we were each others first and only partners. After about 10 years of marriage we both began having feelings of missing out on more variety and experience. Our relationship has always been very strong because we openly discuss everything. If you were in a similar situation I suggest you have this discussion with your wife as some of that might underly some of the issues you two were dealing with.
3 years 1 month ago #91800

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Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic Wife had an affair during seperation

When you separated did you have a conversation about being with other people? Did you each consider yourselves free to see other people? Or did you consider yourselves off limits? Or did you even discuss it at all? I think more disturbing than her seeing someone (again, depending on whether you had any kind of understanding between yourselves about it) is that she had an affair with a married man. But she did come clean and tell you. Otherwise, you might never have known, or asked her at a later date if she'd been seeing anyone while you were separated. The fact that she told you up front shows that she wants to get back with you with everything on the table. Maybe with you marrying so young she needed a fling and needed to get it out of her system. Maybe it helped her see that you were the one she wanted to be with. I'm not saying having an affair was a good thing. What is she saying? Is she expressing remorse or regret? Does she feel bad about it? I think a lot depends on her attitude and whether she sees the error of her ways.
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
3 years 1 month ago #91805

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