Military/Long Distance/ Cheating

  • Jennnn
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Military/Long Distance/ Cheating was created by Jennnn

I dont know where to start. Okay so here it goes: My bf and i were best friends for 3 years and then started dating when he became a marine. Things were great until jealousy and etc set in. He (18) didn't like my guy friends in my group of friends which I didn't realize was a problem then. i was 16 then (and I wanted to stay a virgin till marriage) and he broke up with me saying how he wanted to talk to other women. He then tested me in that period with a fake messaging account to see if I would cheat and I told the guy I didn't have a bf because my bf and I were constantly fighting again and he just seemed distant. I realized what I did was wrong and a huge mistake which I would never do again. He broke up with me again because he said he didn't love me anymore and a lot of other hurtful stuff. He said something so awful that I was just done with the relationship. This part of our relationship is not relevant to me anymore mostly because we were both so young and his behavior has changed.

Fast forward two months, he came home for a week and I hung out with him thinking we can just hang out and thats that. But right before his last 6M deployment he said he wanted me back and I was unsure because I did not want to be in a relationship with someone who spoke to me the way he did, even my friends saw it. Anyway, I kept going back and forth about wanting to be together when he was deployed but when he came back we started hanging out during his leave and got back together (I was 18). Couple months pass, things were great and we had sex because I felt ready and our relationship was very good. He did change the way he spoke to me and learned to be more patient with his temper. He told his parents I was the one. I felt like he was too.

He turned 21 last May-June and he drank a lot to a point where his family saw it as a problem and i tried to talk to him about his drinking but he would get mad at me for not letting him have any fun. June was the one year marking of the death of his close relative and he was not able to come home, he buried his feelings about it and he recently started sharing those feelings with me. I cannot imagine the pain he must have been feeling, but no one can help him if he doesn't let me or tell me. He cried about not wanting to lose me or hurt me. We resolved the drinking and it was no longer an issue. Well turns out, he was cheating on me in June, texting other girls flirty messages and wanting to meet up and etc. This is when he started acting distant and accusing me of cheating. He made a fake instagram account in August to test me and I blocked the guy after i told him I had a bf and he continued to make advances. I went down to see him in September and thought I saw the profile on his phone by accident when he was checking his phone and I told him about the guy and how I blocked him and I thought I saw his profile picture on his phone. He denied it and said he didn't know the guy. Then he started acting distant again and we were fighting a lot in October (I was going through health things as well). He took 2 breaks from the relationship but used them to speak to other women. Then from Nov.-Dec. he was on a training exercise no contact for 1 month. He came back in December for 2 week Christmas leave and was loving, caring and attentive but he would still distance himself which i thought was because of the upcoming deployment (not combat). He said I expected him to be perfect. i felt like less than a priority when he broke promises to me (even small things like saying we will go out to dinner and cancelling or saying he will call me but not doing it which is what we fought about in October). We argued and I exploded because he would constantly say and accuse me of things similar to that. I don't expect him to be perfect, I just wanted him to do the things we normally did together. And then I saw the dating app on his phone. I told him to be honest and he only told me parts of the truth. He started being a bit more open but is still distancing himself. Now he is deployed and I did more digging (I know its wrong) and found out about the cheating in June and the fake account to test me hence posting so he had more to hide. He even messaged his old high school crush with the fake account and she never responded but he still looks her up on Facebook. i feel like he is using this deployment to test me as well which is not okay.

I have been waiting for him and been faithful and honest. I have not given him a reason to not trust me and I choose to be with him. We will no longer be long distance after this deployment (6M). But he's back in the partying mindset this deployment and I feel like he is unhappy/depressed from being in the military. He says its only because he never gets downtime on ship so he wants to drink with his buddies and I don't let him have any fun but his drinking got him in trouble at work this time. I have been by his side through this experience and supported him the best I could. I dont know what to do anymore. He cheated, lied, and hurt me in the process. He said he felt like I was distancing myself in June (I started an internship and I am not used to people who drink heavily) and that he cannot make up for the past, but he is still acting distant. Do I talk to him? He was never a heavy drinker before the military either so maybe this is just a thing we have to get past and I reassure his insecurities by not leaving and supporting him through this? I just feel very upset, heartbroken. I never thought he would cheat.
3 years 1 month ago #91852

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Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic Military/Long Distance/ Cheating

This guy is not worth your time. He cheats then has the NERVE to accuse you of cheating and finding ways to try to making up fake accounts to try to catch you. He's willing to bust you for cheating (which you aren't), all the while he's the one who's cheating. Then he's hot and cold. He loves you, you're "the one". Then he turns around and tells you he doesn't love you, and says other hurtful things. It's one thing if you don't love someone. Saying hurtful things amounts to verbal and emotional abuse. He talks to other women but gets mad if you talk to another guy. It's natural to be jealous when you're in a relationship, but he's jealous to a controlling degree, not a healthy degree. He's distant, then says that you're distant.

The bottom line is, he's a selfish and immature. He isn't ready for a grownup relationship and he's not relationship material. He has too many wild oats to sow. He's a party animal and he's not ready to give up the lifestyle. He's a cheater and he's not ready to give that up either. He disrespects you by breaking his promises. Throw in the depression and the drinking, and it's too much for any woman to handle. He needs help to address his depression and his drinking. That's above your pay scale. He needs professional help. The drinking has already caused him problems at work. He needs treatment for the drinking and the depression both, because one fuels the other. As long as you stay with him and put up with his abuse, he'll keep treating you the same way, because he doesn't NEED to change. But to make all of these changes is too tall an order for him. At 21 he's simply too immature to be in a healthy relationship. He has too many issues to deal with. You're staying with him and supporting him is not going to help him. It's also too tall an order for you to try to change him. (for a person to change, they have to want to or see the need to, and he obviously doesn't want to change ANY of his bad ways.)

Face the facts. You were reluctant to get back with him because of the way he treated you. Your friends see the problems. His family sees the problems. Everyone sees his problems except for him. He has a LOT of growing up to do. And you're too young to handle his problems. If you start out young being in such a volatile, abusive relationship, you'll only spend your whole life repeating the cycle.
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
3 years 1 month ago #91855

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