Am I in the wrong?

  • abickerstaff
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Am I in the wrong? was created by abickerstaff

So here I go. Back in February, my wife’s (at that time we were engaged) fiancé got in touch with her. She told me about it and I didn’t think twice about it. Then she started hiding her phone from me when she was texting. Something felt off and I did a bad thing and went through her phone. Not only was he actively flirting with her, but It turned out they had a history at the hotel we were planning to go to for our honeymoon. I was incredibly hurt.

I for mad and confronted her. I asked her if she wanted to change hotels many times (in order to keep from bringing up the past) and she said no. While I was asking her, she was texting him and told him I was bothered by the hotel. He then suggested other hotels and she listened to him. I found out about that and blew up. I was livid that she would listen to him and not me. It got so bad that she said “well maybe we shouldn’t get married” (mind you this was 3 days before our wedding).

Things settled down for a while and then a couple weeks later, he came into town and invited her and me out to lunch. However it was during a time while I was at work. I got off of work right when they were leaving. He was also “supposed” to bring a friend, but his friend backed out at the last minute. I was ok with the lunch because my wife said she needed closure.

After the lunch, I saw her texting her best friend and she was saying things like “I’m so happy that I met with him” and “he’s really changed”. Also, while they were at lunch, my daughter waved for the first time ever to him. My wife told her best friend about it, but she told me that our daughter waved for the first time at the store.

About a month later. He got back in touch with her again. They had a couple interactions, and then my wife shared a Facebook message from when they were together about even though he wasn’t perfect, that she loved him. She then deleted the texted message about that in an attempt to hide it from me. When I confronted her about why she would share something like that, she said that it was just because it popped up on her memories.

Then a couple weeks later, she initated the conversation and asked when he’d be coming to town again because she wanted to do a phot shoot of him and his daughter (she’s an amateur photograper). She told me about it, but lied to me about the details. She said he was going to pay for the session (he never did), she said that he asked for her to do it (she asked him), and she said that he wanted me there (he never mentioned me). I confronted her on all of that and she made excuses and got mad when I pressed about it.

All while this is happening, she’s deleting entire text conversations with him. I told her it felt like she was hiding something, and she said she was just trying to clear up space on her phone

Then on Saturday (the day of my daughter’s first birthday party), he messaged me on Facebook (we’ve never communicated before). He asked if my wife, daughter and I would like to go out to lunch with him. I had no desire to at all, but when I told my wife she insisted that we did it so I could get to know him and see that there’s nothing to be jealous of. Eventually we fought and she not only canceled the lunch, but she also told him that she couldn’t talk to him anymore for the sake of our marriage. All they while she’s crying and yelling at me for not allowing her to be friends with him (even though that’s what I wanted from the first time he text, I feel incredibly guilty for costing her a friendship with the only person from high school she still talks to). She claims that she had no idea he was coming. She even willingly showed me his texts (it was all pretty innocent). However she deleted the Facebook message conversation she had with him, so I feel like something else was going on.

So my questions are this:
1) Should I feel guilty?
2) Should I tell her that I can be ok with it and invite him for lunch the next time he’s in town?
3) should I confront her on the missing Facebook messages?

P.s. I know wholeheartedly that I’m a dick for going through her phone.
2 years 11 months ago #92095

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Replied by sal9396 on topic Am I in the wrong?

First of all, I'm confused about who this guy is. You say he was your wife's fiance. So she was engaged to him at some point in the past? If that's the case, then I think you are completely within appropriate bounds of how you reacted. You should not feel bad about going through her phone. If someone won't be honest with you, sometimes you have to dig to determine the truth. I did the same thing, and continue to monitor my wife's phone, as much as is possible now that she has discovered Facebook Messenger! I will give the other guy credit for reaching out to you and it does seem me they might not be in any kind of affair. But again, is he just a HS friend or a ex-lover? If it's the former, then you might be blowing it a little out of proportion. Regardless, if it makes you feel uncomfortable and you think it's an inappropriate relationship, then she should follow your wishes and disconnect from him.
2 years 11 months ago #92096

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Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic Am I in the wrong?

There have been many threads here about a spouse wanting to maintain a close friendship with someone of the opposite sex. I always reply that it can't lead to anything good. Who is she going to turn to for emotional support? Him. Who is she going to go to when you and she have a disagreement? Him. I don't see why anyone needs to have that close of a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. Because it gets to a point where they are putting that friend ahead of their spouse. That person needs to go. They do not need to maintain this relationship. Why can't she go out and get a gal pal. Why is she so insistent on being friends with this guy? And I don't think you were a dick to go through her phone. Her behavior pushed that issue. What is the lesser evil, the snooping, or what it unearths? And even though she showed you innocent texts, there could have been some that were not so innocent, so don't be fooled by that.
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
2 years 11 months ago #92100

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