She cheated, we tried consensual non monogamy and she managed to do it again WTF

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She cheated, we tried consensual non monogamy and she managed to do it again WTF was created by Maverick81

Background:I have been married to my wife for 5 years, but we have been together for 10.  For the first few years of our relationship we were long distance. So I can honestly say I did a lot of cheating in that time. But we were apart, "no harm no foul" I thought. When I was young, I got no love from the ladies. None! I was broke, stupid and not good looking. But I grew up, got popular and I didn't see a reason to give it all up for one girl who would have dropped me if I did not have a steady paycheck, vehicle and his own spot to rest and be comfortable in. Especially if she lived so far away. So there was not much guilt on my end, plus I figured she was probably doing the same thing. She was young and a party girl and I am a bit of a realist. I figured, as long as she was protecting herself, not getting pregnant, or falling in love with someone else, I really didnt need to hear about it. And as my best friends mom always said, "well you're not married, so who cares. Life is short." When we moved in together I was fairly clean, outside of a trip to south america. Being in another zip code seemed to be a trigger for me. As I would go on my work trips back home, I would get caught up with an ex or former fling. It didnt happen often but it did happen. It is important to know I am no angel and never claimed to be. 

First incident: About 3 years into our marriage I got DMed by the wife of my wife's friend. The DM was pretty clear, explaining that I went away on a trip, and it was that time that my wife was messing around with her husband. She knew because she found the evidence on his phone. I knew the guy and always suspected he and my wife had something going on while we were long distance a few years prior (they were living in the same city at the time). But I wrote all that off. Again, thinking that we were long distance soo "sh*t happens." The wife had pictures and video of my wife and this guy together. I remember thinking, "how reckless do you have to be to allow someone to record you cheating in a day and age where privacy is a luxury." I was insulted by the stupidity of it all. I confronted my wife about it and she fessed up. She seemed to feel awful about the whole thing, predictably so. At the urge of not seeming like a hypocritical asshole, I fessed up to my past infidelities. We spent a lot of time talking and even considered non-monogamy with clear rules and guidelines if we wanted to step out or felt the temptation at all. We had been talking about that for a while and finally went ahead and did it. We had agreed to always be together when we were sleeping with other people. Apparently there was a whole swinger community of like minded folks that were doing this. We had a blast and were really open with each other as a result. We were so pleased with the shift in our lifestyle that we started educating other couples about it. We seemed like we were on the same page and pushed forward. So anytime we were apart and I got tempted I would text her and tell her what was going on. It was quite easy to be faithful now. The thought of stepping out seemed silly at this point. 

Second incident: It feels odd to write that there is a second incident, but there is. There was a weekend where my wife went out of town for a girls trip so I invited the fellas to my place to have a guys night out. While out getting some drinks we ran into some lovely ladies and I was texting my wife about the whole thing, play by play. The ladies asked to come by the house and I asked my wife if it was alright. Seemed fine. Nothing ended up happening on my end that night. But my wife comes home from the trip and says she slept with a guy and almost with a second guy. She knew it was wrong but she did it anyway. I could not believe it. I had spent so much time honoring our agreement on the very night she decided not to. She had every chance to and she totally failed to do it. What makes it so silly is if she had just told me what was going on, like we agreed, I may have been fine with her sleeping with the guy. My reaction was what you expect. I wanted a divorce, I wanted out. I no longer valued my wife. She cried, begged pleaded and even thought about killing herself. In some ways all of that makes it worse because she deliberately made the decision to do what she did, knowing how devastating the blow would be. After the initial smoke cleared we talked. Her excuses are nothing short of an embarrassment-- She has tried to throw this back at me by saying that "she has not fully processed my infidelities". She has played the victim by mentioning that she has "not really accepting herself enough to tell me what is happening in real time"  and my favorite and most cliche response "daddy issues that make me vulnerable to being desired". 

Current status: I am honestly done talking cause we already did that. We already problem solved, we already communicated, we already discussed infidelity, we already discussed how to prevent it. She did none of these things. She wasnt too drunk,  drugged or forced.  Now we are going to couples therapy, but I cant help but feel we are just talking all over again. This is not just a mistake it is habitual and my wife seems like nothing but a walking breathing F*ck up in my home. I used to have pride in my marriage, but I don't any more, and I dont know if I will ever get it back. Our home is still habitable, we still have fun together. But I am wearing a mask, flying on autopilot, and just spitting my lines on the stage. If you had come into our home you would think we were the happiest couple. But I am not happy. I have not been happy for a while. I dont know who to talk to about this, but I know the feelings I hold back are begining to manifest in other ways. lately I have not been able to sleep with her. And I honestly no longer really care if she steps out of our marriage. At the moment, our marraige feels like a punch line to a pathetic joke. I don't really have a question, but I am writing this as a homework assignment from our therapist. Thanks for reading. 
1 year 6 months ago #93615

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Replied by sal9396 on topic She cheated, we tried consensual non monogamy and she managed to do it again WTF

You should stay with her, you are a match made in heaven! Man, your therapist has his/her hands full!
1 year 6 months ago #93618

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Replied by Infotime on topic She cheated, we tried consensual non monogamy and she managed to do it again WTF

it actually sounds like you have a worthwhile relationship and I bet the two of you work through it.
It also sounds like a pretty good movie!!
1 year 6 months ago #93621

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