I cheated on my husband and have been diagnosed with bpd...

  • Kayx
  • Topic Author
  • Visitor
  • Visitor

I cheated on my husband and have been diagnosed with bpd... was created by Kayx

This past September I cheated on my husband of 3 years and partner of 7 with someone from my past. We just had our son in February and I had my tubes removed in may. The affair started in September but I had spoken to the OM back in may/june and he said something inappropriate that my husband saw and although I was innocent, I told him i would stop speaking to him. I tol d him he crossed a line and I cut ties. Everything was fine. My husband asked me to remarry him, our relationship was going in the perfect direction and we were happy. 

The end of august, I had a dream about the OM and I brought back feelings for him. I thought I was still in love with the OM as well as my husband. I reached out (for the life of me idk why) to the OM and told him about it and I got my response. Idk what I was hoping he would say but I got my answer and I should've left it alone. Instead, some way, some how I escalated things in the matter of 24 hours. (Most information from this point will be what my husband discovered digging through the root files of my phone) I started being flirty and sexual towards OM and honestly I don't remember a lot of that. 

The day after my stepdaughter's birthday, I cheated. The night before, my husband and I were intimate and it was great! So I cheated and it was unprotected. It didn't last long and there wasn't much said. Just pretty much in and out like a booty call. He "did his business" in his hand from what I saw and I left. I was nervous as shit when I got home and my husband says we were intimate that night as well but I don't recall that as it was late and I had to work the next morning. 

That Friday, I cheated again. Idk why, but I did. This time we wore protection but it broke and OM didn't tell me, "did his business" inside me and acted like he was too tired to finish from "donating blood" Now my husband said him and our babies were sick and they didn't have anything to eat and I knew this but I put OM before them. He also says that I was abusing my children. he says that we were intimate that night as well and he gave me oral. 

The next week I had my monthly and I didn't speak to OM until that Friday. We started sending pics and videos and planned to do it one last time. He ended up declining and that was the night my husband accidentally found out by going through the photo trash in my phone. 

Since then, we have had a multitude of highs and lows. He has physically abused me for the first time of me ever knowing him. He as well as myself has tried suicide. It's been really rough. I have told him all the details he has asked of me but because I have borderline personality disorder, there are things I don't remember nor understand. I have been trying to repair things with him. I immediately cut off the affair. I have no contact with OM whatsoever. But after he  found out, he told me to put myself on blast and let the masses know how messed up a person I am so I wrote two open letters and placed them on Facebook in hopes of showing that I would do anything for him and for penance. That made things sooo much worse. Everyone blamed him, family showed up at my home with the police because no one thought I could or would do somethingike that. I got suicidal and called the hotline, they sent the police to my home and they had their guns drawn on my husband and my babies as they slept. It's been a whole mess. 

We moved to the suburbs and here, nothing is better. I've cut off Family, friends that he feels aren't beneficial to me. He knows where I am at all times because my location is on whenever I leave the house. I don't talk to anyone and all I ever talk about is this. Nothing else. We discuss my mental health occasionally and the kids but nothing more. I also have to deal with other women that want him knowing what happened and trying to get him to get with them and divorce me. They are throwing everything at him, sex included and even claiming to be his "home" and "honorary wife" amon g other things. 

I've done a lot to this man over the years and this is the straw, of course. But I have been putting him and our family first. I have been praying more and I never did that before and it just seems like one day he wants it to work and the next he doesn't and tells me I don't deserve him, he is wasting his time with me and that he should take one of the other women up on their offer. Our sex life has been amazing but he can't get over the fact that I gave my body to someone else and that another man was pleasuring his wife. I understand that. I have told him what I remember but apparently there is a sex tape out there of the encounter that was secretly recorded and it tells another story from what I actually remember. He says that even while in the middle of being intimate, he thinks about it and it grosses him out and he can't get over it. He says that he can't get past the fact that not only I did what I did, how I did it, but that I really didn't know this guy, (even from past dealings and it was all delusional) and I not only gave him everything that was my husbands but I responded to him the same way. So he doesn't feel special but I've told my husband that he is my first everything and he is the only man to give me an orgasm. 

It's a lot going on with this situation. The explanation of everything was all over the place but I want to keep my family and my marriage. I honestly don't want anyone else. I can't breathe without him. Just the thought makes me hyperventilate. 

idk what I should do or if I even can do anything. I just want to repair things and give him the answers he wants but I either don't have them or he won't accept it. 

Help please! 

*there are other details but this post is long already, I didn't want to make it longer*
1 year 3 months ago #93722

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

  • Posts 257
  • Karma: 1
  • Thank you received: 36

Replied by sal9396 on topic I cheated on my husband and have been diagnosed with bpd...

You really should be seeking professional help, on a number of levels. People here can give you generic advice, but you have an abusive husband and BPD, so this is beyond something you ought to be looking for answers to from a random bulletin board. As someone who was cheated on, I have little sympathy for what you did to cause these additional problems, but your husband's reaction is above and beyond anything a rational person who claims to want to fix the problems should be doing. Forcing you to out yourself publicly is appalling and he only did that for his own gratification. I think you should be considering leaving him, but again, please seek professional help.  
1 year 3 months ago #93728

Please Log in or Create an account to join the conversation.

Powered by Kunena Forum