I ended my affair and my husband started one in 3 years

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I ended my affair and my husband started one in 3 years was created by surprise

Life was beautiful when we fell in love with each other but after marriage I always felt lonely, unloved and unimportant. My husband moved into a different country for his career training. He liked his new place and made good friends and was enjoying his life. I missed him so much and sent him a lot of emails and texts to which he will occasionally reply. I would wait for his call from the time I wake up. He would call up and talk for max 5 - 7 mins.He has never said 'Miss you ' but would reply ''miss you'' whenever I said or texted sincerely.Then I stopped emailing him and texting him. He didn't even realize that  I stopped or ever asked me 'why'. I started believing that he didn't love me. It was at that time I started noticing that one of my male friends was caring a lot about me, appreciated me and gave me good companionship. I felt loved, wanted and felt even like a queen. I started falling in love with him and had an affair with him for 18 months. Golden period. We even had sex for six times. I wasn't keen in having a sexual affair but my AP was very interested in sex.

My AP loved me so much that he wanted to leave his wife and marry me. One day he asked me if I would marry him. I felt very guilty and burdened. I hated myself and felt disgusted with my actions. I felt very sorry for his wife. One day after informing him, I took up responsibility and I met my AP's wife at her house and I confessed everything to her from my side (except his thought to marry me). She was furious, hit me with whatever she found in that room, addressed me and my family members with lots of vulgar words and dragged me and literally kicked me out of her house. I deserved it so I let her do whatever she wanted with me. I was even ready to die. My AP ran towards me and asked me to marry him in front of her. I saw her crying bitterly at that. I felt horrible and even more sorry for her. I hated myself. AP was devastated when I chose my husband over him. I ended the affair then and there in 2012. I sent her apology emails for years and then I stopped in 2016. She would vent out her rage, disgust and hatred in every reply. I still feel guilty and I owe her my life time apologyAfter I met my AP's wife and ended the affair, my husband arrived home in 2 days. Surprise visit. I confessed to my husband and was prepared for death or divorce. He too hit me and addressed me with all unpleasant words in the world. I couldn't speak a word back or look at his face. I deserved it. I asked him to divorce me because that would bring him justice and peace. He refused to divorce me and said that he still loved me and that our child cant be without a mother. He accepted my apology after a week  and this time we all traveled together, shifted our house and started living in the same house. He was miserable for 3 weeks and healed after 5 months. I couldn't bear to see him suffer. All because of my selfish actions. I felt like setting fire to myself whenever I  thought of the suffering I gave to my husband and my Ap's wife. I destroyed their happiness. Its been 8 years now after I ended my affair.

I still feel guilty. I still pray for my Ap's wife's happiness and peace. For the past 8 years I often felt guilty apologized and thanked my husband for accepting me back.
Miraculously my marriage life went back to normal within 6 months after my affair. Husband never brought this up even at worst scenarios. But he never changed a bit. Even if lived under the same roof I still felt lonely, unwanted, no companionship. Our relationship was void still I had devoted my heart and body to my husband and remained worthy of his love and trust. I was feeling grateful. We were leading a happy life until I found about his affair recently. I never check my husband's phone at all. 3 months ago my phone ran out of battery and so I used his phone without his permission to take a video of my little child (second child born in 2016) singing beautifully (Husband was watching tele in living room). When I checked his gallery I almost passed out. Saw a lot of videos of a lady doing bj. There were 4 sex videos too. I couldn't believe my eyes. I wished earth opened up and swallowed me alive. I felt tremors inside me. Every part of me as a woman got affected. I trembled and I ran into the toilet sobbed and sobbed. I ended mine and he started one after 3 years. I cant believe that my husband did this to me. He was an idol of true love to me. I became dead. He has been having an affair for the past 4 and half years while I've been feeling guilty and grateful. I felt like a fool. My affair was the first and last thing that I've ever hidden from him. He didn't even bother to confess about his affair. He assumed that I would commit suicide if he had confessed. He confirms that he has left her and will stay loyal to me hereafter but I am unable to accept his betrayal. He promises never to do this again and will remain faithful to me and a good dad to the children. How am I going to live with this liar?
Why did he accept me after my affair in the first place? fFake forgiveness? He could have divorced me! He says it wasn't a revenge but he gave into temptation, because of greed and lust. I had complications during pregnancy and we couldn't have sex for 9 months. Could that be the reason?
He does watch a lot of porn but I was not in a place to correct him or say 'no' to him as I was guilty of committing adultery. 
I feel like a fool now. How can he cheat me when I was pregnant with his child? When I was nursing his child? While I was still feeling guilty even after so many years? I was grateful and worshiped him because he accepted me.
When I complained about loneliness he always assured that he isn't expressive as I am but still he loved me and that he will never leave me. He called us soulmates and perfect marriage. He was always happy. He kept saying that I was the only woman in his life. Then why did he multiply and give his suffering back to me?
4 and half years affair with his colleague and 56 videos from every meeting. A full blown sexual affair. He says that they never loved each other but were together for sex. I feel suicidal all the time. He is asking me for a chance and is feeling bad for cheating me but I'm no where near forgiveness or acceptance. I'm unable to accept it. The videos are constantly playing in my mind. I am very sad and stuck, became mad too. Should I continue in this marriage or should I leave and stay single? What will happen to my children if I leave. I am a dependent house wife so I have to start my life from basic if I leave. 
10 months 2 weeks ago #93854

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