CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

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CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY was created by Marie H

In this thread, you can offer suggestions to the 'cheater' on how to better help their spouse or partner deal with this recovery process.

Things you wish you partner did that would have helped you (or DID help) or things they did that made the recovery worse.
There's no such thing as a bad day;
Some are just better than others.
11 years 3 months ago #23645

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Replied by Marie H on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

To all betrayed partners:

This thread could help another betrayed partner who is living in the same turmoil you are. Most cheating partners have no clue, not even a smidgen of an idea as to what the betrayed partner/spouse needs and wants from them so they can heal. The intended purpose of starting this thread is so someone who has put themself in this position can get that 'clue'.

You know what you need(ed) and want(ed) from your partner/spouse, maybe you got some of that, maybe you got it all, maybe you got none of it. Here you can post all the things you wish your partner had done to help you heal and recover and help another betrayed partner by helping the cheating partner get a glimpse into what that recovery process entails from your perspective.

It might not necessarily help you in your particular situation, but if any of us can pass on those tips to a cheater...we could help another couple repair the damage they are dealing with. (I'm hoping) Marie
There's no such thing as a bad day;
Some are just better than others.
11 years 3 months ago #24020

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Replied by Marie H on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

Dear Cheater,

OK, so I’ll start with one of the things that was on my wish/want list.

No CONTACT. As soon as the cat is out of the bag, Discovery Day, the contact ends ipso pronto. That means: No e-mails, no text messages, no phone calls, no smoke signals, no voodoo, no mental telepathy or any other form of communication written or verbal. The only exception to this is one last communication with full knowledge and in the presence of your partner stating there will be no further contact of any kind. PERIOD. That means if the OW/OM contacts you…you - a) ignore the communication from them, b) immediately let your partner know about the communication, including allowing them to view or hear the sent communication without tampering and c) NOT respond in any way shape or form. The gig is up so don’t pretend you can continue the charade.

The OW/OM is NOT the priority, your partner is. There really is no need to apologize or explain or console them. The only thing the OW/OM needs to know is that the affair is OFFICIALLY OVER and that’s it.

Disconnect with the part of your irrational brain that is telling you that you don’t want it to end the way it did without closure, the need to apologize, make them feel better, console them, explain…all those things are only for your own ego. If you truly want to repair your relationship, the one you sent to the trash compactor…NO CONTACT. The closure is: NO CONTACT. Take it or leave it, like it or not, agree with it or not. The party’s over and it’s time to face the music. If you dig your heels into the ground on this you’ll ultimately be digging yourself deeper into the hole you’ve already buried yourself in. D-Day it all ends instantaneously. Poof, over.

This part of the affair game is played by the betrayed partner’s rules, not the ones you wrote for you and your affair partner. That door is now closed.

So, that's a start. Marie
There's no such thing as a bad day;
Some are just better than others.
11 years 3 months ago #24055

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Replied by Michelle37 on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

I couldn't agree more with what Marie has already written. I'll add my 2 cents too.

What I needed most from my husband after he told me about his affair, was full disclosure. I wanted to know every detail about what happened. Some people may not want/need that, but I did. I needed my husband to answer every single question that I asked him. I didn't want him to hold back anything because it was going to hurt my feelings.
11 years 3 months ago #24097

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Replied by lsmo_guy on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

Wow, there are so many things rushing through my head about this topic!
It seems that ever since this happened to me, cheating is everywhere. On TV, in books ... heck, even in sports. The whole Tiger Woods thing happened just after. And, for some reason, each time I see or hear something related to cheating, it feels personal and I get angry.
The one thing I keep hearing is, "guys will be guys ... that is what they do ... " Well, in my case, my fiance cheated on me. Yes folks, a girl cheated on a guy. It happens both ways. (We are no longer engaged, but working on "us")
Ok, back to the topic ...
Honesty, remorse-fullness (is that a word?), patience, etc.
I felt so betrayed and mad when I found out. But, as time went on, I started feeling other things. I want her to know what she did to me, how I felt, and how I am "ruined" for a while. But, what can she do to make things better? Sure, I can shove it in her face until the end of time, but how does that help us heal? I need her to have patience, because the healing will not happen over night, nor can we put any kind of time line on it. I think the biggest thing that I need is to know that she is remorseful for what she did. She betrayed our bond, she lied, she led two separate lives while staying in my house, with me, and looked me in the eye each night a dinner, we shared our lives together, and knew this was going on and I did not have as much as a clue.
Honesty, communication, and working together will lead us down the right path (I hope). No more hiding anything and expressing what we feel, when we feel it. It is not going to be an easy road and I am sure I will let my frustrations/anger out at times, but she has to be mature/understanding enough as to why and we need to work together to correct things.
I do not know if it will work or not, but as we see here in posts all over this site, it is worth a shot, but we both have to want it and believe in us.
Sure, being human, we want to know the details of the affair. But, in all honesty, I do not. I have a lot of questions, some of which I asked and I believe received an honest answer. But, all of the other stuff, I do not need to know, nor wish to know. (For example; the thought of them "together", what they did, how often, etc)
I have something that I need to work on as well, but it will take time. This one thing "sets" my moods/attitude daily and can make or break our relationship (what is left). It is TRUST. I still find myself doubting that she is doing what she says she is going to do. She is a nurse and works three days a week, meaning she has four days off. When she has a day off and I am at work, I find myself doubting (not believing) the things she says she is doing, going to do, etc. I even find myself being very suspicious when I get home and she has had the day off. I still check her cell phone, etc.
I can tell we are both working on fixing things. But, time will tell.
I apologize for the length of this post. It seems as though I have hijacked the thread. Sorry

Good luck to all of you!
11 years 3 months ago #24125

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  • Marie H
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Replied by Marie H on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

To add:

Not deflecting the blame. Even though the relationship may have had it's flaws, was not stimulating enough, was not fulfilling enough, lack of connectedness, those are not justifiable reasons for slithering out of the relationship and cheating.

Take full responsibility for having the affair. It isn't the affair partner's fault, it isn't the partner/spouse's fault, unfulfilled sexual gratification isn't to blame. The only person who put palm to door knob and opened the door is the cheater. No one forced you...it was a choice and the cheater is the only one responsible for the choice they made. Own it. Placing blame on some thing or someone else is not taking full responsibility for that choice.
There's no such thing as a bad day;
Some are just better than others.
11 years 3 months ago #24210

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