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Replied by adalay on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

I agree with Michelle. I too needed full disclosure with every detail. I hate to say I received some truths but most lies. It has been 3 yrs and the lies have never been addressed. It eats me up every day. Has too much time passed to revisit this problem? My husband has closed all doors. Anyone else have this prob? Need advice!!
11 years 3 months ago #24212

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  • Frank
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Replied by Frank on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

I just recently found out my wife had cheated on me. We are very open about emails, but don't look at her email very often.
Her yahoo email was open so I looked to see if she had an email for my sons soccer game time.
WOW the first one i read broke my heart ...she sent her best friend a note saying that she was in love with one of her ex husbands.
I finally had the courage to confront her is a calm manner. I asked her to tell me if there was anything I should be told ... she tried to respond by saying that her ex had called to say hi ... then she promptly attempted to blame it on me. I accepted my portion of the problems. I asked her if it was over and she had broken contact. Of course she said yes.
Over the course of the next several days, one of our mutal friends provided details. I went back to her and asked her again if there was anything to discuss. No. I was again crushed.
and lies continued.

I don't know what to do and have sheduled marriage counselling. I have promised to keep an open mind and will keep my promise. I am trying to fill the void inside, but struggle. My mind
races connecting all the dots of the deceptions It is awful.

We are married with three wonderful children. When I look at them, I just don't want them to be the casuality of this situation.

Helpful suggestions appreciated ... No matter how dark it is the sun always rises
11 years 3 months ago #24229

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Replied by honestwoman on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

Cheaters, if you really care to work things out with your partner, these things would help:

Patience -- Be willing to repeat yourself over and over for however long it takes when answering your partner's questions. They may need to hear the answers AGAIN and AGAIN to gain understanding and rebuild trust.

Tolerance - Be tolerant of the hurt, sadness, and then anger that will surface.

Affection - Give lots of it. Lots of love is needed to recover from this.

BE OPEN - The more privacy you can do without during this time, the better. It makes things SO much easier if you can lay your whole life open for examination, at least until trust is regained. Volunteer information; don't make your partner ask for it everytime as they struggle to regain trust. Try to anticipate what they need to know to be reassured and reassure them!

Communication - LOTS of communication, hopefully calm, honest talking without displays of strong negative emotions.

HONESTY - No more lies! Even when the truth is painful, it can lead to recovery, not more lies. This includes full disclosure; it does not help to downplay how you felt or what you did! Telling it like it is will lead to regaining trust!
11 years 3 months ago #24230

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Replied by Michelle37 on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

One of the things that I needed from my husband, was that he take full responsibility for the affair. While I do admit that I contributed to the decline of our marriage before the affair, I will never, ever take any responsibility for his affair. It was all him and he knows that. He has admitted that from the very beginning. He could have stopped it at any point and didn't. No matter how terrible our marriage might have been back then, it was completely his choice to have an affair. I didn't choose any of this. And I certainly didn't deserve any of this pain.
11 years 3 months ago #24232

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Replied by DTeas on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

For us cheaters, the blaming part is the hardest. For two reasons, we know how unhappy we were when we made the decision to cross the line and we can't handle the truth that we have done something so selfish,painful and destructive.

Interestingly for me, after I blamed my wife, I felt worse. Even though she admitted things she could have done better leading up to my cheating, It did nothing to make me feel less guilty about the devastation.In fact, it made me feel worse for dragging her through the mud with me.

There is no excuse for cheating. I make the analogy, justifying cheating because of relationship problems is like justifying beating someone with a baseball bat because they shoved you.

11 years 3 months ago #24233

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Replied by spicegirl on topic CHEATERS GUIDE TO RECOVERY

I think some things are better left alone, I forced my husband to tell me intimate things they did, the fact he laid one hand on her hurts as bad as the sex act, so it served no purpose to know the details, unless we are fighting, then, I used that information against him ..and yes, I know thats wrong.

The bottom line is, if it was half as good as
WE think it is, then why didnt they leave us to go to these others?
BECAUSE A RELATIONSHIP requirs more than SEX. It is very obvious to me, my husband and I have something more than tht, because, he realized what he was doing was wrong and he ended his affair before we reconcilled, so, he could have gone to her freely, without any problems from me. That speaks volumes to me, the fact he could have gone and didnt means, it WASNT THAT HOT OR GREAT like she wishes I believed!!

Focus on the future, its hard, I know, I force myself everyday, but now, my marriage is what it should have been years ago ......I know now, the only way my husband would have realized what he has in me, was to be exposed to something like her. It sucks it all happened this way, but, the man I have now has surpassed all my wildest dreams!
11 years 3 months ago #24254

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