39 years of believing

  • muffinangel2
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39 years of believing was created by muffinangel2

Finding my husbands text messages to someone only 6 years older than our 1st born read like this “I love and miss you too my future wife” My world came crashing down...the grief was intolerable..that was almost 3 years ago and after counseling, a move to a different city and numerous promises that I am the only one and “I never would have left you” I still suffer. No trust..feeling so sad..depression, sorrow, shame...I believe he is being faithful but the love and trust I had for him is gone.  I feel so naive and never want to be that stupid ever again.  We met when I was 16 and the one thing I believed in besides God was him..he destroyed my faith and trust in marriage. Now I am 60 and feeling so much resentment that throughout our marriage he got to cheat and have passion while I was home raising the kids and wanting passion.  Best sex we had was while he was cheating.  Now he’s faithful but 0 passion.  Even though I believe he wants to be with me I feel so cheated. Now we are going on 42 years.....
1 year 1 month ago #93132

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Replied by GA Blinded on topic 39 years of believing

I'm guessing you had to go before finishing your post.
Either way, in the end you know if you are the kind of person who forgives & forgets/forgives & never forgets/never forgives, etc.
We all forgive certain actions and we don't forgive other actions. 
I see you went to counseling, but that always baffled me. WTF do both parties go to counseling when the person who cheated is the person with compromised morals? You don't need counseling, but you might benefit from a solo vacation as far away as you can afford for as long as you can afford. When you come back you might have a clearer head.
1 year 1 month ago #93134

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Replied by sal9396 on topic 39 years of believing

Once again, GA Blinded is giving questionable advice. Counseling is not just to fix the person who started or caused the problem. Counseling is also for the people who are hurt by someone else's actions. I went to counseling and it helped me immensely to talk about what happened, how it impacted me, and how I was or wasn't dealing with it. It helped me make decisions and start to heal. Muffinangel, good for you for going to counseling. It doesn't help everyone, but it is almost never  negative.

As for the point of your original post, I am sorry you are still struggling with this at this point in your life. I am 54 and also still dealing with it on a day-to-day basis. Was it couples counseling you went to previously? If so, perhaps some individual counseling to try to sort out your feelings, to see if you can get past things or if you need to move on by yourself to be happy. 
1 year 1 month ago #93140

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Replied by Cantgetbetter on topic 39 years of believing

I feel so broken as well. I 'found out' my husband was cheating on our 36th wedding anniversary. At that time (which was almost 3 years ago), I was only told that it had been happening for 'a couple of years' AND that it was then over. This happened with a neighbor. I have to see her filth EVERYDAY. I was not told the truth, even though I wanted to believe him. We stayed together, but what I didn't know is that for over a year, they were still together. There were so many lies. What hurt so much is that I was doing EVERYTHING to prove my love and devotion and it wasn't enough to break her evil hold on him. Now, I have supposedly learned the whole truth. Their deception started and lasted over 25 years. I have so much anger, hurt and hate that I can't function. I have no joy and feel like nothing. All I want is revenge. I don't know what to do.
He says he NOW loves me and ONLY me and he hates her. She lured him in after many, many advances that he rejected. He is so very wrong and admits it. He has changed, but now I feel like a shell of a human. We want to move and get away from everywhere that she defiled, but in these times-that is not easy. I must find a way to stop obsessing about all of the hurt and pain and how to hurt her. It has taken over my daily life.
1 month 5 days ago #93825

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Replied by sal9396 on topic 39 years of believing

Cantgetbetter, I am so sorry for everything you are dealing with. I've been there, to some extent. My biggest concern is that you appear to be focusing all of your anger and rage towards the other woman, to the point where you are making excuses for your husband. Your focus ought to be on your husband, your relationship, and your feelings. Did she put a gun to his head to make him sleep with her all those years? I doubt it. No matter what he says, he made the decision to cheat, to lie about it, and continue it even after you found out.

Frankly, I don't know that I would have stayed with my wife in the situation you describe. He had a chance to come clean and make things right, and he chose to continue lying, sneaking around, and cheating. You're still allowing him to manipulate you.
1 month 4 days ago #93826

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