So ashamed, sad and completely broken

  • rxm05339
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So ashamed, sad and completely broken was created by rxm05339

Very rarely I seek heal on any type of message boards but this time it is...

here is my story: I am 44, married for 20 years, 2 kids, successful jobs and great career. Husband the same but a very cold, passive aggressive guy.  We hardly slept together and I keep letting him know over and over again this was simply not good enough for me.

at work met my boss fell in love. He is 58, married with a wife, 61. One thing led to another and we had a very romantic affair. We were caught and we admitted to it but I still lived with my husband and he had moved out because his marriage was over, not on appear though. I had to get out of the boss relationship because we had agreed to be together forever. Got a job out of town in Chicago. After I announced my resignation, we both got fired. He was in a very big job, it was his identity. Now he was jobless and I had an even bigger job in Detroit. I promised that we would work it out but to hang tight during the transition. I could not bring him to hang out with the kids yet because I wanted the kids transition to be slow. Moving schools, houses, parents separating was sufficient. They didn’t need a stepdad during these changes. 

my boyfriend, as warned by his wife, was an alcoholic and a “sexual deviant.” He was very into sex and especially when he drank he would do anything to get it...to the point of having it even if you are asleep or forcing you to the point that you just give in... we talked and he had changed. 

Fisst few weeks in Detroit he came with me. My husband had accepted the fact that we were over and in Detroit we would move into separate households. 

he drank every day and I began to become irritated. I worked, he sat home and drank all day. But you take the good , bad and ugly in a relationship is what I told myself. After a few weeks he came back. It was a Wednesday and he had been drinking and he had to have sex after I came home. He was leaving the following day. I was ok with it except I didn’t want to engage in some sexual acts that day. When I said “no” he literally just lightly pushed me and packed his bags and left. I didn’t see him again. Talked to him and his words were that he had moved on and doesn’t feel much about me anymore. He also said I didn’t have enough sex with him. 

I’ve called him, texted him, written to him and he has completely cut me off. My husband saw me and offered to listen so I told him everything. My husband is a classy, honest gentleman, never that exciting but a gem. He hugged me and the kids hugged and said we are here for you. 

his wife had warned me about some terrible incidents about this man: he was in a casino (bye he gambles a lot) and he came back drunk and had shoved poker chips in her private ... he also grabbed her and had forced her in a*** sex and in her words “he forced me to do it and pulled out my bowel.” Initially I had thought it was fase and made up . In time I realized she was correct: I was traveling with him
once and had a 103 fever and he came in, had sex and passed out. I went and showered and had cried so hard that night. Another day I had gotten out of the ER due to a stomach virus. I had been severely sick and dehydrated for 2 days. He had sex so hard I cried myself to sleep.  There were other times when I dreaded him coming back to the room after gambling and forcing himself on me when I pretended to sleep.

i still loved him and love him. I come from a very classy, well to do, reserved family. We don’t even curse in my family. How did I end up here? How can I miss this creep? He left me because I would not have sex with him in places I was uncomfortable. He walked out on me. Who says he won’t do this to my kids who are beautiful girls becoming teens? Why am I struggling so much? This should be a relief? Why am I hurt?

i feel damaged and still want to file for divorce. Maybe because the thought of me being single will bring my boyfriend back? Or maybe I feel inadequate to be my husbands wife? Or maybe I just want to be alone? I don’t know what I am doing. I am right now a failure at everything and feel like doing something to end this misery.  Just really tired and  down.

please do not judge me. I have done enough of that myself. I just need kindness and support. I know I hurt his wife and my husband and I have apologized .  Don’t know how to heal.

thanks
1 year 5 months ago #93662

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Replied by Betrayed Wife on topic So ashamed, sad and completely broken

Honey, you are WAY out of our pay grade here. You need professional help -- FAST. If you prefer this abusive, sex ravaged RAPIST -- and that's EXACTLY what he is -- to a "gem" of a man, then something is terribly wrong in your psyche. There are worse things than being alone, including being with a man who forces you to have sex and forces women to have the types of sex they don't want to have, who will force you to
have sex when you're sick in bed. You should actually file charges against this man, not sit around and wonder if he'll come running back to you if you're single. But the only way you're going to be able to sort any of this out in your head is to seek counseling. This guy has done such a number on you that you've lost the ability to function and to even think straight. Get help fast. Do it for yourself. Do it for your kids.
It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness -- ancient proverb.
1 year 5 months ago #93669

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Replied by Nachofunnyman on topic So ashamed, sad and completely broken

Run away from this deviant. AS FAST AS YOU CAN. Then RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN TO A THERAPIST, you need counseling. That is not love, that is codependency. I sick one. You fell in love with a fantasy that turned out to be a nightmare. It is called limerance. It is a diagnosed mental disorder.  
1 year 5 months ago #93670

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Replied by rxm05339 on topic So ashamed, sad and completely broken

Thank you for your advice.  You are correct.  I am doing much better today than a couple of days ago.  I still feel the need to be alone but I will need the time and help to sort it out. Thank you again for your help and support. 
1 year 5 months ago #93671

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Replied by rxm05339 on topic So ashamed, sad and completely broken

Thank you for your response.  I appreciate every bit of advice and I am unafraid to admit if I have a problem with codependency. I am glad he is out of my life and feel a lot better about it.  I still, however, feel I need to walk this journey alone without my husband either.  This will help me be a little more objective in what my life should look like for me and my daughters. 

Thank you for the kind support.
1 year 5 months ago #93672

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