How do I know it's the entire truth?

  • MsNotMrs
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How do I know it's the entire truth? was created by MsNotMrs

I have been struggling with my situation for a couple weeks now and am starting to obsess. Here's my story: 

I am in a relationship with a man I have been with for eight years. We have a small child together. Over the years I have stumbled upon his extensive porn collection on the computer and phone, but never was bothered by it until he used my tablet one day and left his email open. On the screen were numerous emails from other women he'd met on dating sites. Many of the emails had nude pics he was sending and receiving. I immediately confronted him. He reassured me there was never any physical contact and we worked through it.

Back in April we were taking a trip and I used his phone to enter our destination's address. When I started to key in the address, a list of unfamiliar addresses came up as recently entered destinations. I took photos with my phone and later looked them up. There was a house, a motel, an airport (we have not flown all year), and a couple gas stations that would have been out of his way while at work or while running errands near home. I was upset, but didn't say anything at the time because we were in the middle of a major move and I didn't have any proof that it was anything to worry about. 

Our first week in the new house I was going to use his phone to locate mine and saw a text message in Google Voice he'd left open. It was from an escort/prostitute asking if she could meet on his lunch break and how much she would charge. When I looked to see what else there was, I found countless messages like that and one that mentioned he'd been with her the previous week and wanted to see her again. Many of the messages ended with the women giving their prices, but there was one that stood out. They were going back and forth with the escort really pushing to meet him soon because he said she took too long to respond and he had to return to work. She was trying to convince him to let her meet him in his job's parking lot. Then he referenced how long it took her to cum the last time they were together. There were other messages where he was telling women he was at the agreed upon location, but didn't see them and so on. I confronted him about all of this and he swore on our child that it was all fantasy talk and and nothing ever happened. Honestly, I was never really sure he was telling the truth, but the timing was so terrible with the move and my business finally starting to take off and taking care of our child (I'm a work from home mom), I just decided to trust him and try to move on. 

Fast-forward to a couple weeks ago. I kept having these dreams that he was cheating. Most likely because things are calming down for me with work and I never felt like we really resolved anything. I decided to test him. I got a fake texting number and sent a text to his Google number asking if he remembered me. I told him we had sex over the summer and then he disappeared. He responded two days later saying he deleted all of his texts and I would have to refresh his memory. I told him I was hurt and I thought we had a good time. I even described his penis and he still said he didn't know who it was. Then he asked for a picture to help. I sent a nude pic without the face from a porn site and he went on and on about how sexy the person was. He then sent a picture of his penis unsolicited and his face, so I would send a face pic too. I then sent another random pic and again he complimented the woman's beauty. He quickly started talking about all the things he wanted to do to her body and I suggested we meet. He agreed without hesitation to meet that evening. I looked up an apartment complex and gave him the address. I also asked him to bring a specific alcoholic drink. 

That day when he got home from work, he reminded me he was going to pick-up a game he'd pre-ordered and being released early that night at 9:00 (this was actually true). He also said he was going to pick-up a few things I'd mentioned we needed for the house and asked if I wanted to have a drink when he got home and watch something. He was so chipper. He even asked me how his shirt looked before he left the house (he usually doesn't care). The entire time he was home and on the way, he was still texting with my fake account about seeing her that evening. Giving his ETA and everything. When he got to the apartment complex I started texting that I made a mistake and was nervous. He was texting that he was standing in the rain and would just visit for a short while if that was okay. He said he wouldn't even take his penis out. I told him I was going to call him and we could talk about it. That's when I called from my number and he answered as if everything was totally normal. I asked him where he was and he lied. Then I told him I knew all about him trying to go meet another woman and that when he got home he had a lot of explaining to do.

Again that night he told me it was all fantasy and he has never touched another woman since we've been together. He said he didn't know why he decided to go that night, but he never planned to do anything. He also said he didn't buy here alcohol and that it was his first time going to meet someone. A couple days later I was cleaning the house and found the bottle of alcohol he said he didn't buy. When I called him at work he admitted he didn't want things to look worse. Later that night after some pressing, I found out he met a woman at a bar near our house when our child was a newborn. He said she posted an ad on Craigslist about wanting someone to drink with. He said they never touched and that was all there was to it. He then admitted that he drove about six times over the past five years to meet women, but always left before seeing them and as they started to approach the car. He swore that was it and then the other night, he admitted to having paid escorts to sext and video chat with him. 

 I am at my wits' end. I love him and our family. I want to believe he has never done anything physical with anyone else. I want to try and work through this but how do I know he is telling me the entire truth? I have asked him to go to therapy individually and as a couple. We are in the process of finding a local therapist, but what do I do in the meantime? How can I stop obsessing over trying to see if he has more lies to confess. I am not sleeping or eating well these days, and am struggling with being normal for my small son. 

Any advice is welcomed if you read this far. We agreed to write vows and read them this weekend, but I have been unable to write anything since finding out he lied about telling me the whole truth only to reveal more days later. 
1 year 4 months ago #93702

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