Now what?

  • NoBody87
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Now what? was created by NoBody87

The background
I've always been the outsider. Never had friends. I don't mean that I never had real friends, I mean friends at all. Even as kid I was the weird, nerdy kid. The only times someone actually talked to me was when the needed to copy my homework or to have someone to copy from in tests at school. The same after school at work. Yes I have co-workers with whom I can go and have a few drinks, but that's about it. On a daily basis they just come to me when they need my help in something.
Additional to that I have Asperger syndrome. For those who aren't aware of such thing - it basically means that my brain processes information differently, usually more efficiently than normal. But it has a drawback. Most commonly (also in my case) the person with Asperger can't identify or process emotions. Since I grew up with this I've learned to identify other people emotions and learned the accepted response to those, but that's more like an automatic reply to an input. Also it means that I can't really process my own emotions. I don't know if I'm happy or sad. Are those emotions mine or I just pretend to have them because society expects me to have them.
This all combined has left me with depression since an early age. I'm 31 now and the last time I remember that I was happy and didn't have suicidal thoughts from time to time is when I was 4 years old. With time I've learned to deal with it in my own way without medications or therapy.

The relationship beginnings
Being the weird, nerdy kid combined with my not very attractive looks was never a success story with women. Most girls in school didn't want me to be near them. So it was actually a miracle I met my first girlfriend. But it was a weird relationship. Yes we were a couple, but she didn't want anyone else to know that and didn't want to be seen in public with me. But she didn't cheat on me. As you can imagine such relationship wasn't meant to last long. After a year she even urged me to find someone else. So through a friend I met someone. I was just after a relationship and she recently got rejected by her crush. Not the ideal start. Almost immediately we started dating. Her parents were very protective about her and not very happy that she was in a relationship. They said that I won't marry her and will leave her at any time. So about half a year into the relationship she had an argument with her parents about this and she wrote me a message "Let's get married!". We were in love at that point so I said yes. Since I'm a bit old-fashioned guy, the next day I proposed to her properly. A month later we were married. That was 13 years ago. Soon after we had a daughter (she's 12 now).
Ever since I met her till about 2-3 years into the marriage my depression was gone. But it came back. My wife has always supported me when I needed help. But it slowly drove her into a mild depression. So lately I try to keep my problems to myself and help her.
Yes we had issues, like every couple does, but we always worked it out.

First time
About 7-8 years ago after coming home from work I saw that my wife wasn't there. It wasn't like her, since she usually told me where she was going or with whom. So I started to call her several times, but no answer. My subconsciousness was killing me by saying that something is not right. So I did something I never did before. I went on her social media and I saw that she's been chatting with a guy. Well chatting wouldn't be a problem, but one message stood out. A few days ago he wrote "How did it feel when my hand slid under your skirt?". From the last messages I understood that she was with him.
Later I confronted her about it. In tears she swore that she didn't know what came over her and why she even began chatting with him. Also swore that the "hand under the skirt" did nothing and that they never slept. During this confrontation she said when we got married she didn't really love me and the marriage was more to prove a point to her parents. But with time she started to love me.
It took some time, but we patched it all up and were happy together again.

Last Saturday
In September this year my wife started to study medicine and I supported her anyway I could. But as you can imagine the studies put a lot of stress on her. In November there was a concert by a band she really liked and wanted to go. As it was on a Wednesday and I had work before and after that I wasn't very thrilled about that and also I didn't like band that much. But she really wanted and said that she'll go with a friend of us so someone will watch over her. I agreed to that.
Now in December when the exams began she wanted to go out with girls from collage to celebrate passing a few exams. I saw how much stress she was under and I wanted her to celebrate, but since I didn't know anyone from the collage I would be just a third wheel pulling her down. So I let her go.
Last Saturday out of nowhere she said that she will go out again with those girls. Since she basically told me that when she was stepping out of the door I said OK. It was the middle of the day, so I thought she will be back around evening. When I called her and asked when she will come back she just said it will be a bit longer and that I shouldn't wait for her. Again my subconsciousness started to kill me again. I tried to silence it by telling that I must be imagining things. But without luck. So I did what I didn't do for 7-8 years - again I went on her social media. I saw that she's been chatting again with the same guy. The last message sent shortly after she left the house was "I'm coming". So it was clear where she was.

I didn't have time to read through the whole conversation I downloaded, so I did that on Sunday at work. Until I started reading the messages I was hoping that it was all in my mind. Meeting up with old friends I would understand even though I wouldn't be happy that it was him. When I started to read the messages it was clear that it was not just chatting. It was more like sexting. She even sent him photos of herself, I guess you can imagine what was in those in photos and that I don't want to un-see them.

So I confronted her by calling with the nickname that guy gave her. Of course she confessed. In tears she swore that again she didn't know what came over her. That this guy had an affect on her. She admitted that they have slept together. Not only once but several times. And not not only now but also before 7-8 years. All she could tell in her defense was that she just wanted sex and there are no emotions. That guy also has a girlfriend so he wouldn't even want her for anything else.
To be fair - we haven't had sex for what seems ages. She never was sexually active. So it was on me to initiate it. But since I didn't want to force it on her with time I got used to it and it seemed she's fine with it. About 2-3 years ago I went to a psychiatrist in an attempt to get rid of my depression once and for all. I was on medications for a while. That actually killed my sexdrive at all. It wasn't that I didn't want to have sex with her, it was more like I just don't want sex at all. At that point her sexdrive kicked in and she wanted sex almost daily. But now I was the one holding back. I suggested that she might try to seduce me a bit (something she never did). Almost the next day she was back to not wanting sex. But since it's been a year I'm off the medications my sexdrive is back. Basically we both were wanting sex, but I didn't force it on her and she just didn't show any signs.
The next "funny" thing was that throughout our 13+ year relationship I tried to have some kinky conversation with her, but she never went along with it. I even asked her for some photos "to help me get through the day till I see her" on several times. She sent me once a photo of her in her bra, but it wasn't a "here's a sexy one for you". It was more like "here you go, now shut up". So you can imagine how I felt when I saw that this guy is getting from her the same thing what I was even begging for years without even asking.

Now what?
Another day has passed and I'm no wiser. There is war in me now. One side says that she's really sorry and to forgive her, the other side says to kick her out the door.
When I confronted her I asked her to choose - he or me. She said that she chooses me, since we have a daughter that needs a family. Only after asking if that is the only reason why she chose me she said that she loves me.
There is a war inside me now. One side says that she's really sorry and to forgive her. The other side says that it's not the first time and to kick her out. Then there is also the side that says that our daughter needs a family.
So today I sit here at work in a 7th floor office, trying to deal with my depression which is now back with full throttle. Fighting the urge to just open the window and to end it all ... (but I will not since I know my daughter needs me).
I don't have anyone to ask for advice among the people I know and I also don't want everyone to know about this as I see that my wife is really ashamed about what happened.
1 year 3 months ago #93726

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Replied by sal9396 on topic Now what?

Dump her, move on with your life and make sure you get the help you need.
1 year 3 months ago #93740

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