2 years in, I'm struggling!

  • cheater_101
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2 years in, I'm struggling! was created by cheater_101

I was the cheater. Dday was 25th May, still have a month to go before I complete 2 years of having cheated on my wife. I am already struggling. A downer wants me to run to the balcony & jump off (we live on the 12th floor).

To give a a bit of a background, my wife & I had been together for almost 16 years & married for 8 years, before I ended up cheating on her & completely decimating her trust in me. I got onto Tinder in April when I was in-between jobs (serving my notice at the previous company), & got talking to 2 women. Lied to them, posing as a single, unmarried guy. For the next 2 months I chatted up & flirted shamelessly on chat & phone conversations. I ended up only speaking at great lengths to one of the women & ended up meeting the other & subsequently had an awkward making out in one of her friend's bathrooms. This uncomfortable physical encounter made me lose my top completely. I withdrew completely & lied that I was suddenly busy with my father's illness & that she could speak to a female cousin of mine in the meanwhile. The cousin was no other than myself, logging in from another account on my device. I proceeded to disgust that woman out of wanting to ever see my face again. Or so I thought. Her subsequent independent investigations about me led to her contacting my wife & spilling all the beans on 25th May, 2 years ago.

Needless to say, my wife stormed out & for a moment contemplated ending her life too that day. However, she came back to confront me & involved my parents & her own, in the process. As a great anomaly to her strong morals, she decided to give me a sit-down, 5 days later, once I was back from my outstation tour. I still did not disclose anything about the other woman. I justified to myself then, that I had not cheated with the other one, as there had been no physical contact. I didn't even know what she looked like. I guess it was like 2 con artists trying to con each other. As my wife struggled to reconcile over the next 2 months, my phone bills proved otherwise. This, in spite of me being given ample opportunity to disclose the existence of another woman, apart from the one who had let my wife know. I insisted that there had been no one else.

After the phone bills, the distrust of course increased. Thereafter, everyday without a discussion about my cheating was a GOOD DAY. Bad days would stretch on for 5 days even. Still she tried everyday & still does to date.

But now every month can have upto 10 bad days. I may be a changed man, with having corrected a lot of the deep-rooted problems in our relationship, but a thought, a taunt, a trigger, anything can just make everything go south. From kisses a second ago, we can go to sitting separately & brooding. A mention of a therapist can mean to her that there has been no progress & that we are a gone-case.

I keep trying to change my reactions, words, body language, whatever that I can, to not let things escalate. To not let her go into a spiral of the hurt & pain that she feels. For those tears to bot start dropping like a river. For me to stay positive & be the flag bearer of our relationship, as she had been for so many years. For me to not make elaborate plans of ending her pain & suffering by ending myself & for her to still get the insurance money, without it looking like a suicide, on my part.

I'll be 37 this year, but I feel like I've lived most of my life already & that it's a big worthless lest she believes that she still wants me.

Today, while watching a movie, she taunted me if I was looking at the women, in a particular scene. When I replied no & that I had changed in a way to not notice these elements anymore, she taunted me back saying that she doesn't beleive that she will ever get an honest answer from me, much like she never has in the past, as well. Her exact words were "Even if you were, will you ever tell me? As if you have ever admitted it in the past, as well!" So I asked her, if it would be better if I said yes the next time, so that we don't have these sudden lows & make the moment so weird between us, thereafter? She tells me "Instead of saying this, you can say 'I understand why you're saying this, but in this instance I was not!'" Then we sat next to each other awkwardly for an hour before she decided to retire in a huff. 

Now, I do understand that she's not wrong in asking me for this response. But what if I can't keep referring to my past indescretions before providing a genuine response to her questions? My silence to her taunts, compels her to elicit a response from my side. How do I keep trying to cope with these new normals that face me every month because of my cheating? I know she's feeling insecure in these moments. How am I not able to make her feel secure even once, in these moments? Am I that worthless & inconsequential at that moment? The same that she felt when I cheated on her? Can we never reach an equilibrium ever again or is this our equilibrium now? I don't have anyone to talk to. I'm a single child with no connection with my parents. I don't have those kind of friends that I can speak to about these matters. In these moments, all I can do is silently cry to myself in a corner & hope for a better tomorrow. I take some solace from the lyrics of the music that I listen to, but for how long? When will I reach that tether, I don't know. If my dog locks my teats away, I take solace in that. Whatever that I can do, I try. For that pavement 12 floors down is seeming more tempting, as we go along.
11 months 3 weeks ago #93821

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