Heartbroken after Husbands affair

  • deeplyhurt
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Heartbroken after Husbands affair was created by deeplyhurt

So on April 30th 2018 I was enjoying a couple of nights away with my hubby in New York. He had to work on the Monday before we headed home so I went shopping and enjoyed a day on my own, I went back to the hotel to enjoy a glass of wine in the hotel while waiting for him to get back. I received a message via Messenger from a woman I didn't know basically telling me she had been having an affair with my husband for the last 2 years and she wasn't the first. She sent me pictures as evidence and knew so much about my life and our children (20 &16), I'd celebrated my 50th birthday which she knew all about and informed me she is 30 (my husband is 46). It turned out that my husband is her husband's boss and he had gone and stayed at their house while on business, she then started sending him nudes of herself, when my husband questioned it she said they where for her husband but then she said "or where they" and then the flirting started and it went on from there. My whole world fell apart right at that moment, the hurt, the devastation, the betrayal and the crushing pain I felt (and still do). I messaged my husband immediately to say we needed to talk and he just knew, he came straight back to the hotel and I confronted him. He told me everything and that it had ended the week before. When we got home she was still texting me and sent screenshots of there flirtatious texts the morning after they had been together the week before expressing how much fun they had had and what a turn on it all was and what she was going to do to him next time (lots of details of what they did)....way too much for me to see so I lost it completely and screamed and cried and threw things around, my daughter heard and cried and told her father what a horrible human he was, she then texted my son who drove back from college to be with me and asked "how did this happen to you two, I don't understand you're the happiest couple I know". My husband took a bottle of whiskey and left the house to stay in a hotel. I spent the whole night awake texting back and forth with the other woman. He came back the next day and cried, said he hated himself and felt awful, thought he was invincible and wouldn't get found out and somehow didn't realize the true hurt it would cause?!! We talked a lot and I asked lots of questions and he answered everything, she had already told me she came to my house in 2016 while I was away with my daughter and told me everywhere they had had sex. It gets worse, my husband then got a call from work saying that he was being suspended while they investigated an accusation against him, she had not only contacted me but also contacted 12 of his colleagues to tell them of the affair and how his morale's and ethics where wrong...totally agree. After 2 weeks off work he was allowed back to as it was a personal matter but my husband lost a hell of a lot of credibility and respect which he may never get back. To make things worse she continued to hound me, constantly texting me giving me details of everything and she the proceeded to send me 18 nude pictures of herself. I know I should have blocked her but was afraid to as she had been contacting people he worked with and I was afraid she would contact my kids if she couldn't get me.....she then tried to contact my 20 year old son via Instagram and snapchat saying she had some good pics to show him, my son blocked her before she could send him anything. I moved all of her texts and pictures into a document on my computer...I have 57 pages of texts but did it incase I needed to file an injunction against her and also so my kids didn't see them on my phone. I was still being harassed by her in October so then felt ready to block her completely, for some reason I had a curious side before then to hear what she had to say so couldn't block her until I was ready to (I could see she was a little deluded when she started saying we could be friends and could we go for a night out after being so awful to me). My husband and I are trying to rebuild our marriage, this came from nowhere for me, we have been together for 24 years and get on so well with each other, we laugh together and spend all our weekends together. When I found out I was hit by a speeding train from nowhere, when I asked my husband why, how? he said that his ego was being stroked and he thought he wouldn't get caught......how can I believe he loves me if he can do this to me? He says he hates himself everyday and will fight for me and do whatever he needs to for me to stay. We are going to couples therapy, I just don't know how I can move on from this, the information and images of her she sent me can't be unseen and I keep torturing myself over it. I love him so can't/don't want to walk away so easily but am I a fool for staying? His remorse seems pretty genuine and he lets me see everything. She has tried contacting him after everything she has done to try and ruin him, one time was to say she had met someone else and was happier and that my husband should never have messed with her which he ignored and just showed me and then she contacted him about 8 weeks ago to say she still thinks of him and the door is still open...wtf??? he didn't respond and showed it to me so I responded, we haven't heard from her since but I'm kind of expecting to because it's the new year, she contacted me on my birthday and on the anniversary of our other sons death. There's so much more to the story but I've gone on too long....I feel like I've been through/going through hell, does it get better? Is there hope? the man I love and have trusted for 24 years has totally betrayed me, can we recover? I have given him the opportunity to eave and he said he has never thought of leaving me ever...I feel like I don't know him :(
5 months 2 weeks ago #92886

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Replied by amazing k on topic Heartbroken after Husbands affair

Thank you for being so honest with your story.  Not many have the courage to air such filthy laundry.  If I can help you by saying, change your perspective to find understanding to what occurred.  By your account, your husband picked a real “winner” (aka psychopath) to fulfill some ego trip.  He needs to confront that, that it wasn’t him she wanted.  She wanted her own narcissistic needs met and yes, he looks stupid thinking everything she did was for him.  She is a horrible evil person and I’m sorry she has said such things to you, you don’t  deserve that.  Our therapist has told us to discuss the affair at such a level that we both tell the same story.  Start dissecting the cycles of his affair, you know him, you really do.  Do not discredit this as it is your power over everything.  We read the book psychopath free, and it sounds like he really stumbled on someone that fits that description.  We read a great book by Esther perel on infidelity in the marriage.  You really can survive this as so many of us are.  We see a therapist that is gottman certified.  The biggest a ah moment I’ve had is that even happy marriages are having affairs, so don’t beat your marriage up.  Your husband needs a good walk of shame, he needs to spend days crying if he understands and feels his massive involvement with evil.
best to you.....
The following user(s) said Thank You: deeplyhurt
3 months 4 weeks ago #93024

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